Pop! Pop! Pop!

Can you hear it? No, it’s not the sound of tomorrow New Year’s Eve fireworks and party poppers. And no, it’s not your grumpy midwestern cousin who insists that it isn’t called “soda.”

It’s the sound of Kellogg’s wild and wonderful Pop-Tart-O-Matic, which has been eagerly popping out new flavors directly into our hungry mouths faster than we can say, “Wait, a serving size is one pastry?” Yesterday we covered the new-but-actually-secretly-from-the-late-’90s Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts, and today it’s time for a more straightforward flavor: Frosted Chocolatey Caramel.

Don’t worry, there won’t be any cross-contamination between the two: I made sure my toaster brushed his teeth first.

Wow, just look at this beauty. It looks like it was chiseled from Mario Kart’s Choco Mountain, and its caramel drizzle is simply dazzling. Unless approximately 15 people can convince me it’s a bad idea, I’m nailing one of these to my wall and calling it post-postmodern art.

Noshing on a chunk of the crust, it’s very crumbly and soft, with a surprisingly fluffy texture (fluffy in a good way, not in the “euphemism for fat” way. Though if you leave me with this box long enough, that might change). The taste is a perfect balance of cocoa and doughiness. There’s a hint of butteriness, but not as much as I would like, since I’m that guy who loves the buttery caramel combo in Chicago Mix.

The stuffing and caramel drizzle are both super sweet, but the caramel taste doesn’t smack you in the face like a rock-hard, decades-old Werthers that your grandma threw at you because you wouldn’t be quiet during Matlock. Instead, it slowly creeps up on you as a mild aftertaste behind the overwhelming chocolate overtones.

At room temperature, these tarts are pretty much just a mash-up of Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts and Chocolate Fudge Pop-Tarts with a light caramel twist that I wish someone had twisted up a notch.

After a couple hours in my freezer, these Chocolatey Caramel Pop-Tarts took on a very pleasant texture and flavor. Like a scoop of chocolate ice cream (or dare I say double chocolate?), they have a sweet cocoa creaminess that you can either densely chew through or let melt in your mouth. And the cold innards now have a syrupy caramel sweetness that’s reminiscent of…well…Hershey’s caramel ice cream syrup, of course!

I should really stop referring to things as “cold innards.” I don’t want to be on that particular FBI watch list.

But what about toasting them? Well friends, Romans, countrymen: lend me your tastebuds. Because I saved the best for last.

Aside from being the absolute gooiest toasted Pop-Tart I’ve ever seen (just look at that golden caramel flow! Ponce de Leon, search no more: this is what the Fountain of Youth looks like!), toasted Chocolatey Caramel Pop-Tarts are definitely among the tastiest. The darkened chocolate crust tastes just like a corner piece in a decadent tray of brownies.

The caramel insides are also appropriately caramelized by the toaster’s heat. They have a golden browned sugar sweetness with a touch of butterscotch, making the cumulative experience like a brownie caramel lava cake. I was gonna add more adjectives to that, but I popped a button on my trousers just writing it.

But despite everything, the caramel in these Pop-Tarts never escapes the shadow of its chocolatey older brother. After all, there’s a good reason they’re called Chocolatey Caramel and not Caramelly Chocolate (and it’s not because spellcheck refuses to recognize “caramelly” as a word).

And don’t be lured under false pretenses, either: there’s nothing salted about this caramel. So while I heartily enjoyed these Pop-Tarts, I wish they had been a bit more daring by at least salting their caramel (hopefully not by assaulting it, though).

Sadly, like my beloved Milk Chocolate Graham Pop-Tarts or the movie Super 8, I predict that Chocolatey Caramel will inevitably fade away from shelves and memories faster than the sugar rushes that they produced. So if they sound good to you, buy them while you can.

And speaking of sugar rushes: you guys wanna go jump dirt bikes over a gorge?!

The “Bowl:” Frosted Chocolatey Caramel Pop-Tarts

The Breakdown: Meh at room temperature, pleasantly creamy frozen, and hot diggity darn good toasted, these Tarts still suffer from their lack of innovation.

The Bottom Line: 8.5 petitions to bring back Milk Chocolate Graham Pop-Tarts signed only by me out of 10

(Our friends over at Junk Banter have a review, too! Click here to read what they thought!)