Chex Clusters!

Frosted Flakes with Energy Clusters!

Cheerios Protein!

The cereal aisle has become a genuine clusterf*** of “extreme” styled cereal boxes boasting to passerby that their addition of oat clusters has somehow made a sugar-filled classic into something more suitable for the health-conscious.

Somewhere nearby, Honey Bunches of Oats smirks smugly at all the newbies: he’s had energy-packed clusters since 1989!

The latest of these breakfast bandwagoners is Chex Clusters. While we all know Chex as the stars of such snack food hits as “Chex Mix” and “Muddy Buddies” (read this sentence in the voice of Troy McClure), Chex as a traditional breakfast cereal tends to keep a low profile. Though Chex has interesting flavors like Honey Nut and Chocolate, these are easily overshadowed by more thoroughly developed brands like Honey Nut Cheerios and Cocoa Puffs. After all, Chex can only get so far without an iconic mascot, and the brand hasn’t had once since the cult-favorite Chex Quest in 1996.

But will all that change with Chex Clusters? Will the “cluster” fad find its breakout star? Will I ever stop speaking in rhetorical questions? Do you really care enough to find out? Oh no, you’re not leaving, are you? Okay, I’m done!

With an enigmatic flavor title of “Fruits & Oats” and a predominately red color scheme, your first instinct would probably be to think these are primarily strawberry flavored. And while the ingredients do list “Strawberry Puree” way down on the list, much higher up is “Dried Apples.” Apple-strawberry? In the cereal world, that’s a flavor combination rarer than Bigfoot straddling the Loch Ness monster.

Pouring a bowl, it seems the “clusters” title was a bit deceiving. There are no free oat clusters to be found. Rather, each Chex piece is slightly red and a bit glossy, with this sticky, sugary coating being used to get little pieces of oats and red fruit to stick to it. They look like heroic Chex warriors who, upon slaying a fruity oat ogre, wore the hide of their enemy as a sign of their valor.

Now there’s a mascot idea for you, Chex.

The base pieces taste like standard rice Chex: fragile, light, and largely tasteless with a quick, brittle crunch. However, the corn syrup coating does give an added punch of sweetness alongside a lingering sticky feeling on your tongue.

However, the novel fruit and oat pieces—as haphazardly stuck to them as a child gluing macaroni to a picture frame—give the bites a more audible crunch and a mellow, yet tangy fruit flavor. At first it brings to mind a slightly more adult version of Trix, but something about this is more familiar to me. It’s on the tip of my tongue (quite literally).

Yes: that’s it!

It tastes just like Neopets Islandberry Crunch, a cereal that was very near and dear to me before it disappeared, and one that I would petition General Mills to bring back if Neopets hadn’t become tragically irrelevant with today’s youth (let me take this chance to apologize to my own Neopet: sorry I can’t feed you, Jello_Party. I kind of forgot my password).

The fruit flavor is not distinctly recognizable as apples, strawberry, or anything else. Instead, it’s a generic and largely artificial-tasting fruit experience that is nonetheless pleasant, as it has potent, tropical notes that are balanced by the oats’ earthiness.

So though I may have enjoyed Chex Clusters—largely due to weird, nostalgic connections—I don’t see it lasting long on shelves. It isn’t really being advertised, so like many other “fad cereals,” I foresee it soon fading into the most obscure corner of the cereal history archives.

But if you want to try a Trix-esque cereal that will make you feel slightly better about yourself, or if you fondly remember Islandberry Crunch (a longtime member of that aforementioned dusty archive corner), buy a box while you can!

Now excuse me as I furiously try to break into my own Neopets profile.

The Bowl: Chex Clusters

The Breakdown: A unique and crunchy “tropical-oat” flavor experience that will probably be gone before you know it.

The Bottom Line: 8 starving Neopets out of 10