We have a favorite saying over at The Empty Bowl podcast—when it grains, it pours. Which is just a cheeky way of saying that after long bouts of little new cereal news, the milky floodgates tend to open all at once, and my ever-slowing bloggin’ fingers have especially struggled to keep up lately. So instead of fumbling my way through filler-some 200-word posts for every topical breakfast blurb, I figured I’d just wrangle ’em all into this post and blaze through each headline—so you can spend less time reading and more time zooming to whichever grocery store, doughnuttery, or Foot Locker has the line item you’re most interested in. Continue reading →
Look, I know I’m a little behind on posting all the latest cereal news to come out of the last week—and I’ll get to it, don’t worry—but I think you’ll forgive me for jumping the queue here: because this is a code orange, folks.
Long squeeze short, on May 4th, Tropicana is releasing Tropicana Crunch—the first cereal designed to be eaten with orange juice instead of milk—exclusively at TropicanaCrunch.com. Apollonianly blasphemous, I know.
There are a lot of problems here, foremost of them being, who asked for this? Tropicana’s justification is a survey they held, boasting that 15 million people out there have tried OJ and cereal before, and “Half of the adults who poured OJ over their cereal did so because they thought it looked like it would taste good,” while “more than one in three who tried it did so because they love OJ and thought it would be a good combination.” The key operating word in both data points, of course, being thought, with conspicuously little evidence that any of these people actually enjoyed it.
But yeah, taste, texture, and possible pulp problems aside, I’m also just curious what makes this a cereal designed to be eaten with OJ. You want me to believe that the folks at Tropicana, who really only make juice, have the industrial machinery and gastro-engineers to develop a high-tech juice-complementing cereal? No, I think it’s far more likely that Tropicana Crunch, billed as a honey almond clusters cereal, just pulled a Timbits and had Post send them a butt-ton of leftover Almond Honey Bunches of Oats to reskin.
Assuming I can get my hands on a box, I’m prepared to be disproven, if not pleasantly surprised, though—a lot of people in my Twitter replies attested to having tried and enjoyed OJ in cereal after all, plus Cap’n Crunch’s Orange Creampop Crunch was one of my all-time favorite cereals, so anything’s possible.
What do you think? Will this be a juicy breakfast revolution, or a Sunny D-saster?
There are some things it feels like you just can’t do on supermarket shelves, even if there’s no explicit rule against it.
You can’t put a cute mascot shaped like a carton of milk on a box of bleach. Or at least I imagine you probably can’t.
You can’t say your plastic bottle is made from “100% Ocean-Bound Plastic” because that’s worded so confusingly and sounds like it’s made 100% from plastic that’s bound for the ocean, rather than just adding a word and saying “100% Previously Ocean-Bound Plastic.” But Windex does this anyway.
And you can’t market cinnamon bun pancake batter as a versatile creamy spread. It just feels criminal! Continue reading →
Alright, I think we’ve heard about enough from the Cinnamon Toast Crunch folks. They’ve clearly stopped trying.
Granted, it’s probably our collective fault for still buying these “new” cereals, but am I the only one who’s getting a little sick of seeing the same Cinnamon Toast Crunch flavor basted onto some newfangled breakfast geometry? Cinnamon Toast Churros was one thing, Cinnamoji Toast Crunch was merely a cosmetic re-dusting, and CTC & Lucky Charms Mix was….Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms mixed. If all those sound like lazy releases to you, then I doubt these Cinnamon Toast Crunch Rolls will be any better.
Not to be confused with actual Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cinnamon Rolls, of course, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Rolls Cereal just seems like General Mills’ take on Kellogg”s Cinnabon Cereal. I expect nothing more than classic CTC flavor glazed atop a crunchier, airier, and ultimately less satisfying cereal shell.
Is it really too much to ask for another Apple Pie Toast Crunch, or dare I say, the return of the Tiny Toast model of cute lil powdered bread slices? I don’t know, y’all—as cereal innovation continues to flatline, it’s getting harder and harder for me to care. Anyway, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Rolls will arrive on shelves this May. Otherwise, defibrillate me if you hear from my ol’ pal Peanut Butter Toast Crunch.
Just what went wrong with the Blue Blur’s big-box breakfast debut? Well, it starts with the cereal’s poorly promoted existence. When I first got a PR email about this cereal, it was worded very informally. This is exactly all I was told:
“Available nationwide starting in March, Sonic the Hedgehog cereal is honey flavored with sonic marshmallows. The cereal pieces are gold and ring shaped, representing the gold rings from the video game/movie. The blue marshmallows represent sonic swirling around. The green emeralds represent green emeralds from the sonic games.”
Lack of capital letters aside, the problem is that the release date was set for March, before Sonic 2 released in theaters, but it’s only finally been spotted in stores as of yesterday. This all makes me wonder if the cereal was delayed and subsequently(/fittingly) rushed—the box itself reflects this, with the “enlarged to show detail” text appearing very poorly printed and scarcely legible. Continue reading →
Ahh, I understand now why they changed the Toucan Sam’s design from a weird man-fingered abomination back to a logically feathered fella.
Because if Sam still had fingers, I could threaten to break them if he’s lying to me.
See, the official Eggo Facebook page posted about the return of Froot Loops Waffles—a cult favorite Eggo release from way back in 2003. But they did it on April Fools’ Day. Now typically, brand April Fools’ Day jokes are corporately mandated to be so ridiculously unbelievable that no one could take them seriously and like, sue or something. I’m talkin’ Eggo Motor Oil or Eggo Cat Litter.
So it feels like, at least to me, it would be cruel to tease a very real-looking product like these Froot Loops Waffles, just to have it be a sickening prank. So I’m gonna go ahead and believe that Froot Loops Waffles are actually making a comeback.
Personally, I just wish the old boxes were coming back. Look at how appetizing that golden-age old yeller goldenrod looks compared to the sterile sunniness of today’s Eggo boxes. And look at how young and whimsical Toucan Sam looks! I want that design of him tattooed next to my navel.
With a Froot Loop tatted around said belly button, of course.
No word on when these Waffles may or may not drop yet, but I’ll keep you posted when I learn more.
Sorry for lacking excitement on this one, but Snickerdoodle Pop-Tarts, debuting this May, just seem…redundant? I mean, what will they be able to do that P-T’s deuteragonist Brown Sugar Cinnamon hasn’t been doing so iconically for decades? And why do the sprinkles look like petri dish cultures? And why does the snickerdoodle cookie on the packaging simultaneously look like a cookie and, from a warped perspective, a loaf of bread?
Lots of quibbles and questions here, and my complaints are surely arbitrary, but in a world where we’ve still never seen like, a Honey Pop-Tart, it is a little disappointing to see Kellogg’s re-tread old sweet-breaded territory. Oh well! We all know I’ll still be cramming my Tart-hole like a sentient VCR come May.
