Yearly Archives: 2022

Counting Down the 5 Best Cereals of 2022!

Woof, what a year: and that’s saying something, since I’m a cat person.

I’ll be honest, this was the hardest end-of-year best-of list I’ve had to put together since starting this blog in 2015. Sad to say, but 2022 just was not a strong year for new cereals. You know it’s bad when two out of my top 5 released way back in January, and another didn’t even reach mainstream shelves at all.

I’m no economist, gastronomist, nor Nostradamus, so I really can’t make any authoritative statements on what went wrong with ’22’s meagre chews and what that bodes for the future of cereal, but if I could summarize my observations in two words, I’d go with misplaced innovation. I know that sounds heinous considering how big of a proponent I am for doing new things in the cereal aisle, but when those new things consisted mainly of collectible hypebeast box collabs and the kind of temperature thaumaturgy that resulted in the year’s two worst cereals, maybe by “innovation” I mean I just want to see decadent new flavor explorations, rather than flashy cardboard or outright alchemy.

But enough about the bad apples: let’s focus on the good noodles. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: best of, cerealously. 9 Comments

Dec. ’22

Review: Cheerios Oat Crunch – Berry

Senioritis is real.

In my fourth year at the fancy-pants math & science high school I went to—which I mention not as a brag, for it was essentially just a safe haven for nerds who’d get be-swirlied and de-lunch-moneyed otherwise—my annual research group fell so far from our former graces. Where once we studied the effects of atmospheric conditions on things like coffee acidity and laser attenuation, we ended our esteemed tenure like a squeaking mouse fart in the night, deciding instead to determine the effect of a potato’s surface area on its rate of osmosis….a question so obvious that a root vegetable hooked to a battery could probably figure it out.

Naturally, our teacher admonished us but ultimately let us get away with it, because once you’re mentally checked out with the tantalizing liberation of college on the horizon, it would take a menacing cyborg library cop to check us back in. And luckily, our little geek asylum wasn’t that well funded.

Why do I bring this up? Because “Berry” is now the fourth member to join the Cheerios Oat Crunch family of cereals, an esteemed breakfast dynasty that I’ve no-doubt given more consistently positive feedback than any other cereal line reviewed on this site. Between the tongue-hugging warmth of Cinnamon Oat Crunch, the golden perfection of Oats ‘N Honey (well, other than that imperfectly stylized ‘N), and the nutty nuance of Almond Oat Crunch, Cheerios G.O.A.T. Crunch has truly done no wrong…

…and now we have Berry.

I think you can see where I’m going with this. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cheerios, oat crunch, raspberry. 2 Comments

Dec. ’22

News: 3 New Special K Flavors, Coming this January

Wow, three whole Special K flavors? Hitting stores this January? What a tr—hey, you: wake up! I get it, new Special K news doesn’t exactly wow me, either, but that’s not excuse to fall asleep in the back of class. This will be on the test, you know.

And hey, new Special K cereals aren’t always (entirely) boring. I mean, c’mon, there was that okay chocolate-dipped one last year, the genuinely tasty blueberry lemon yogurt one five years ago, and the cinnamon apple one from…aw, geez. Seven years ago? Fine, I agree: three above average new cereals over the entire tenure of this blog isn’t exactly a storied legacy, but at least the first of this incoming Special K trifecta looks promising. High Protein Chocolate Almond sounds decadent, and since “high protein” usually correlates to “high calorie” in the breakfast aisle, we can at least trust this one to be sweet and filling enough to be worth the effort it takes to chew its densely grained nuttiness. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: almond, chocolate, cinnamon, froot loops, kellogg's, news, special k. 1 Comment

Dec. ’22

News: Cap’n Crunch’s Birthday Crunch

Dang, Cap’n: you look good for 60!

Wait, actually, this is probably the first time you’ve actually looked your age, like, ever. You’re telling me you were rocking that same ivory ‘stache from K–12? Must’ve made the chocolate milk cartons a nightmare.

Anyway, everyone’s favorite seafaring cereal mascot will soon be celebrating the 60th anniversary of the original Cap’n Crunch cereal’s 1963 debut with this colorful Birthday Crunch. And even though I infamously loathe birthday cake-flavored cereals, what with their historic lack of substantial taste and all, it’s hard to stay mad at ol’ H. M. Crunch when this box looks like a ’90s Taco Bell.

Since 60 years would suggest a 2023 debut, you won’t be able to find this Crunch on shelves just yet, but it’s already up on Walmart.com, so it’s only a matter of time before you can have the Cap’n’s cake and eat it, too.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: birthday cake, cap'n crunch, news, quaker. 1 Comment

Nov. ’22

Review: Elf on the Shelf North Pole Snow Creme Cereal

Ah, now that Thanksgiving—with all its bountiful feasts, plentiful horns, and wishful bones—is over, it’s time to dive into the holiday season with everyone’s favorite yuletide tradition.

Which one, you ask? Decorating the tree? Crudely icing gingerbread cookies to look like your most cannibalizable loved ones? Or perhaps foisting reindeer antlers on your soon-to-be ho-ho-homicidal cat?

Oh, no, we’re talking about the most treasured, timeless Christmas rite of all: hiding a wretched little uncanny creature around your home who will proverbially invade your privacy with its eerie omnipresence!

Seriously though, does anyone actually like The Elf on the Shelf? I certainly haven’t met anyone who does. I’m convinced the whole thing’s a psyop by The Elf itself, who’s collected enough damning nocturnal footage through its prying (beady, sinister, soulless) eyes to blackmail the global marketing elite into helping its species reproduce.

And reproduce it has. Somehow, 2022’s new North Pole Snow Creme is the fourth EotS cereal to hit shelves (and stay there, unsold). Between the earlier Sugar Cookie one, the Peppermint one, and the Hot Cocoa one, the quality of this Elf’s oeuvre runs the gamut from awful to alright at best, so I’m not going into this new one with high hopes. Let’s just hope that if I give him another bad review, The Elf won’t pour glue in my 2%.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: holiday, kellogg's. 1 Comment

Nov. ’22

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Stuffed Puffs Marshmallows

S’more…s’more never changes…

Well, that is, until now. Stuffed Puffs is a small company looking to shake up the way you snack, toast, and play Chubby Bunny with marshmallows, via their signature process of cramming stuff into the center of the squishy little niblets.

And now via a coveted collab with General Mills, these indie darling ‘mallows are taking mainstream munching by storm. Coming exclusively to Walmart (no word when yet, besides the ambiguous soon), Cinnamon Toast Crunch “Big Bites” stuffed marshmallows are filled with CTC-flavored creme and then further flavor-blasted with Cinnadust.

How do you feel about this upcoming crispy, chewy, creamy confection? Would they be perfect for a Nutella graham s’more, or are they perhaps a bit too niche to get enough use?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, general mills, non cereal, toast crunch. 2 Comments

Nov. ’22

Review: Avatar x Kellogg’s Pandora Frosted Flakes

Wow, I can’t believe we’re finally getting a cereal flavored like my favorite regional Midwest ice cre—wait, what? You’re telling me the “Blue Moons” in these ~~Frosted~~ Pandora Flakes have nothing to do with the sorcerously ambiguous berry-marshmallow nectar of my youth?

Yeugh. Well fine, I’ll still give this Avatar: The Way of Water / Kellogg’s collab the time of day (2:05p.m. EST, to be specific), but only because I love this new trend of letting Tony the Tiger flex his cinematic bravado instead of putting any actual movie characters on the box. You can just tell he’s begging to be roped into somebody’s movie multiverse.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: blueberry, kellogg's, movie cereals. 3 Comments

Nov. ’22

News: General Mills’ 2023 New Cereal Lineup

Ugh, every year they just keep moving it up, huh? I mean, the squirrel-munched remnants of Halloween are only just starting to mushify on our nation’s porches, yet their noble decomposition is already being overshadowed by all this jolly merriment. It’s really the ultimate disrespect to Thanksgiving, if you ask me, to see its stuffing of legends snubbed in favor of the feasting to come.

The break-feasting, that is.

Oh, sorry, did you think I was talking about the Christmas creep? Oh (ho ho), no: I’m referring to a different phenomenon I’m dubbing the Cereal…uh, squirm? See, January is the hottest month of the year for new cereal news, and usually the industry’s big-name breakfasters at least wait until late November to tease their New Year’s Resolution busters. But it seems General Mills just couldn’t wait to spill the beans, oats, and marbits, because their January lineup was announced just today. In fact, you might even be able to find them in the nebulously unnamed “select stores” this very month.

And folks, this munchable menagerie’s a good’n. Let’s take a look (long before we can take a bite). Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, news. 21 Comments