Monthly Archives: September 2021

21

Sep. ’21

News: Elf on the Shelf Hot Cocoa Cereal

New Elf on the Shelf Hot Cocoa Cereal Box

Hallo-who?

Oh, sorry, that silly old October 31st holiday is so last August. Get with the times—it’s the holiday season already! Which, for some ungodly reason, means we’re getting another Elf on the Shelf Cereal.

First came Elf on the Shelf Sugar Cookie Cereal in 2019. It was an over-simplistically sugary cereal, far more forgettable than the accursed eldritch Elf-scourge whose name it bears.

Then last year we got Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Crunch Cereal. In addition to its criminal abuse of consonance, this stuff tasted terrible. Like a mint Lifesaver scraped off the bottom of someone’s snow boot.

Now to complete this tepid trilogy (at least, dear most holy Saint Nick, I pray this is the end) comes Elf on the Shelf Hot Cocoa Cereal. From the looks of its cocoa stars and marshmallows, this stuff is unlikely to surpass General Mills’ similar Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs, which was, in itself, exceptionally mediocre. In fact, EotS Hot Cocoa will probably be worse, since this cereal family historically has the worst marbits ever. Seriously: these chewy, pill-sized marsh-molars could sink a cereal brand ten times mightier than Elf on the Shelf.

Sorry if I sound hopelessly pessimistic, but I am. That devilish shelf-sitting sprite has every right to try proving me wrong, but given his putrid precedent, he’s guilty until proven innocent.

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16

Sep. ’21

Review: Krispy Kreme Cereal (Mexico Exclusive)

New Mexico Exclusive Krispy Kreme Cereal Review - Box

Kellogg’s new Krispy Kreme Cereal is weird. And I don’t say that because it’s a Mexico-exclusive cereal—though zany flavors that aren’t available stateside are certainly breakfast-aisle oddballs.

And I don’t call it weird because it comes in such a small box—weighing in at 190g vs your standard issue 280g Froot Loops—though there’s a strange, empty feeling that comes with knocking out a whole box of cereal within like, four or five regular-sized bowls of it. A.K.A., a typical weekend’s worth.

No, no, I call Krispy Kreme Cereal weird because it tastes weird! And I mean ‘weird’ not in the sense that it’s bad in any way, but in the way that’s like goodness gracious, me and mine, implacable flavor’s a-ticklin’ my mind. That’s right, the taste of Krispy Kreme Cereal is poetically elusive. I racked my brain buds and taste cells trying to identify the buttery(?), fried(?!), and perhaps, greasy(‽) note that prevails over each thick ‘n’ chunky cereal ring.

And those are some of the best adjectives I could come up with. Continue reading →

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13

Sep. ’21

Quick Review: Froot Loops Gummies

New Froot Loops Gummies Review

Sorry for the abbreviated review, but any morsel’d candy that doesn’t give me more than four pieces per container doesn’t deserve more than four paragraphs. Granted, you can find these new Froot Loops Gummies in 7oz packages (which would be like, upwards of 40 gummies), but all I could find were these trick-or-treat pouches, which comes 16 to a bag, and which take longer to open their wasteful packaging than they do to eat. They’re so small they can’t even be called fun-sized—to quote the venerable Strong Bad, “The only fun I’m going to have with this thing is smearing it all over your door when I leave.”

These portions are especially frustrating because Froot Loops Gummies are actually good. They really do taste like sweeter, tarter and juicier Froot Loops—though just like real Froot Loops, each color tastes the same.

However. this synthetic tropical smoothie of goodness also leaves behind a pretty iffy, throat-coating chemical aftertaste. It’s nothing too bad, but normally I would just start chain-chewing more gummies to mask the aftertaste. Can’t do that super speedily when I need to rip open my fifth-in-a-row pouch of the things.

Overall, Froot Loops Gummies are a fun and smartly flavored candy adaptation of a beloved cereal, but unless you can find ’em value sized, these toothsome toucan rings aren’t work the effort nor the plastic refuse.

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04

Sep. ’21

Review: Dunkin’ Cinnamon Cereal & Milk Latte

Dunkin' Cereal & Milk Latte - Cinnamon Review

Anybody else see this?

No?

Well, while we were all out funkin’ and drunken slam dunkin’, Dunkin’ Donuts was slunkin’. Smooth as cold brew, they slunk two whole Cereal & Milk Lattes onto their menu without any fervor or fanfare. Even I wouldn’t’ve heard about ’em if not for Stewart M. tweeting at me.

Turns out the reason these drinks are so hard to find out about, is because they’re hard to find in general. These lattes are test market items only available in Detroit, MI; Wheeling, WV; Pittsburgh, PA; Oklahoma City, OK; as well as Houston, Dallas, & San Antonio, Texas. So while I apologize to all who won’t be able to try Dunkin’s Cereal & Milk Lattes without great geographic difficulty, hot diggity darn: for like the first time in test market history, I’m near one of them! I can’t help but notice that West Virginia is also on the list, leading me to believe Dunkin’ was deliberately targeting cereal’s two foremost meditative cereal podcasters.

Long story short, I bought the Cinnamon Cereal & Milk Latte. Even though the Marshmallow one is more visually appealing, I feel like marshmallow flavoring in addition to the “sweet cold foam” would just be redundant. But how was it? Well, that’s more of a medium story…medium. Continue reading →

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