There are at least two-dozen frowning emojis, but even all twenty-four of ’em wallowing at once wouldn’t be enough to express my grave displeasure with Lucky Charms Marshmallow Clusters cereal. This is a disappointment two years in the making, and despite my usually charitable attitude toward reviewing cereals, I’m fully prepared to tear into this cereal with the unrestrained vigor of a three-drinks-deep Comedy Central Roastmaster.

Yeah, you heard me: no more Mr. Rice Guy.

Because that’s the core problem with these Lucky Charms, after all. “Lucky Charms Crispy Rice Clusters” was first rumored in 2019, and it seemed like an auspicious rainbow sent from above. See, not long before this 2019 leak, Kellogg’s changed the recipe for Rice Krispies Treats Cereal from its beloved crispy rice clusters into a sad facsimile of Frosted Krispies and marbits. Lucky Charms Crispy Rice Clusters appeared to restore this lost glory, but sometime during the two years that followed, this shooting star of hope fizzled into a star-crossed flub.

What was once a clustered-rice cereal concept has debuted as the bizarre mishmash of puffed corn and rice I’m reviewing today. With its tragic origin story out of the way, it’s time for me to dissect Lucky Charms Marshmallow Clusters with a particularly pointed spoon. Continue reading →