Yearly Archives: 2020

18

Nov. ’20

Review: Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal

Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal Review Box

Who is the world’s most prolific artist? Paul McCartney? Phish? Viper?

Wrong.

It’s the Dame Diminutive Deborah, better known as Little Debbie. Not counting seasonal specialties like Christmas Tree Brownies, Football Brownies, Easter Egg Brownies and every other merrily malformed hunk of brownie batter, Little Debbie currently produces 47 different snacks. I’d guess the average person could only name a handful—the likes of Zebra Cakes, Star Crunch, Swiss Rolls and Cosmic Brownies—while grease-loving gas station regulars (picture me raising my own slick mitts as identification) could probably tell you about deeper cuts like Donut Sticks, Fudge Rounds, and Pecan Spinwheels.

Despite this sprawling cake-ography, when it came time for Kellogg’s and Little Debbie to drop a cereal, there was likely no doubt about which bite would join the breakfast bowl. None of the snacks I’ve listed even come close to the sugar-sandwiched icon that is the Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pie. And I’m not just saying that because I grew up making my own double-decker Oatmeal Creme Pies (DIY is better: the official double-D OCPs are just a clever way to cut out half of the moist cookie middlin’).

No, an Oatmeal Creme Pie cereal has been a no-brainer for years. But now that it’s finally happened, can Little Debbie’s milk & spoon debut live up to decades of vacuum-sealed hype? Let’s unwrap Oatmeal Creme Pies Cereal from the top. Continue reading →

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14

Nov. ’20

News: Cocoa & Fruity Pebbles Coffee Creamer

Fruity Pebbles Cocoa Pebbles Coffee Creamer

Listen here, theoretical gastro-physicists: cereal is a solid. Sure, you add milk to it, but some licensed tie-ins of late seem to be cutting out the middle-matter and melting cereal down to a refined, fluid form from the get-go.

And International Delight’s new Pebbles coffee creamers are no exception. Releasing in both Fruity and Cocoa varieties, I think we can safely assume one of these will be more innovative than the other. Whereas a Fruity Pebbles coffee creamer implies a unique fruity cereal flavor, I have trouble picturing the Cocoa Pebbles version being much different from the chocolate lava overflow of other cocoa–mocha creamers. Unless, somehow, they’re able to make a liquid crispy.

Both Pebbles creamers will be hitting mass retailers in early 2021, priced at around $3.29 each. This release coincides with the Pebbles brand’s 50th anniversary, a celebration Insta-foodie Markie Devo claims will also include a release of Birthday Cake Pebbles

 

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More on this story as it continues to bake.

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12

Nov. ’20

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cinnadust

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cinnadust

How much Cinnadust is a single Cinnamon Toast Crunch square worth? What is the measure of a “Cinnamoji’s” life? How many of them do I hold in this cylinder of absurd magnitude? Is it really true? That all we are is Cinnadust in the wind?

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is making me think way too hard for something so redundantly simple. By almost any practical measure, Cinnadust has no reason to exist. Despite its considerable girth, at $5.48 this currently Sam’s Club exclusive Cinnadust is way more expensive than grabbing a small spice jar and a 10lb bag of Domino granulated—which, given the sweetness of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, is pretty much the right ratio.

But maybe it tastes better than just cinnamon sugar, right? Maybe Cinnadust is hiding some real magic in its “other natural flavors.” Maybe this mausoleum-sized flavor shaker was worth the brave squares it sacrificed.

…maybe. Continue reading →

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08

Nov. ’20

The Empty Bowl Episode Forty-One: The Latest Cinn-sation

*cracks open a cold one of your preferred cereal milk*

Long week, huh? Well, this might sound a little like snake oil, but what if I told you there’s a way you can soothe all your life’s tension in just 38 minutes? Well, your milage may vary, but Dr. Dan & Apothecary Justin’s 500-in-1 Mental Burden Balm is made of all-natural sound, with the perfect wavelength getting out all that crud deep down between your brain’s wrinkles.*

In this latest cereal meditation session, Justin and I raise a glass to Cinnamilk, get down with OCP, and compile a shortlist of Christmas Crunch’s Greatest Hits.

*Side effects of Dr. Dan & Apothecary Justin’s 500-in-1 Mental Burden Balm include drowsiness, increased appetite, and compulsive milk-drinking. If you’d like these effects to last longer than four hours, look for more doses on our Anchor hub, follow us on Twitter, or send us an email!

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07

Nov. ’20

News: Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios

Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios Box

General Mills’ upcoming Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios, releasing next month, has big, choco-nutty-buttery shoes to fill.

By the stylization of the box and typography, Chocolate Strawberry is ostensibly the next in line to the throne of Chocolate Peanut Butter Cheerios. Since Choco-PB Cheerios is one of my favorite ever Cheerio varieties—it’s like a Reese’s Puffs HD remaster—I have high expectations for Choco-Strawb. Will it be potently powdered? Will the strawberry hoops taste just like Strawberry Cheerios, or will they up the puréed ante? And if they succeed, will General Mills complete the holy trilogy by dropping Peanut Butter & Strawberry Jelly Cheerios?

Fondue or Fon-dud, I’m looking forward to trying Chocolate Strawberry Cheerios later this year.

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02

Nov. ’20

News: Multi-Grain Strawberry Cheerios + Canadian Frosted Vanilla Cheerios

Let us all send prayers and psychic Gatorade to Cereal Life, who, as the online cereal correspondent with the closest connection to General Mills insiders, must be exhausted lately. For whatever reason, while Kellogg’s, Post, and Quaker have merely trickled out new cereal news, General Mills tips are spilling out in torrents. The most likely explanation for this is that, since January is the biggest time of the year for new cereal, and since most of Cereal Life’s finds are still in the sales sample stage, he’s simply getting a sneak peek at a huge wave of news to come in a couple months.

Among these bountiful chronicles of cereals foretold are two new types of Cheerios. First, the above Multigrain Cheerios with Strawberry Pieces. As Cereal Life mentions in the caption, a Cheerios variety with strawberries (rather than flavored with) hasn’t been seen since the Berry Burst line in the early 2000s—which, on an interesting tangent, contained the scarcely documented Cherry Vanilla Cheerios, first documented as a Cereal Myth in The Empty Bowl’s first-ever episode.

Granted, 2003’s version of this formula didn’t use Multigrain Cheerios, so at least this (presumed) 2021 version can be considered less of a bland reboot and more of a remaster. Continue reading →

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30

Oct. ’20

News (UK): Sainsbury’s Mince Pie Wheats Cereal

Sainsbury's Minced Pie Cereal Box

…and the U.S. won’t even get a Fruit Cake Cereal.

Well, uh, maybe that’s for the best.

Regardless, I’m rankled as a wrinkled raisin over the fact that I’ll likely never get to try Sainsbury’s new U.K.-exclusive Mince Pie Wheats Cereal. I mean, shredded wheat pockets filled with spiced raisins, cinnamon & nutmeg? Frosted Mini-Wheats could never. And yes, for those like me who were unaware, the “mincemeat” in mince pies is in fact, not meat, but a sweet treat that’s fun to eat. Or so I’d imagine—I haven’t tried a real mince pie, either. But according to early overseas reviews, Mince Pie Wheats do their namesake justice:

“It’s good to be honest, I taste the raisin, cinnamon and nutmeg, and it does have that familiar mince pie flavour, but then the bitterness hits. Maybe they’ve tried to recreate those notes you get with boozy mince pies? The next morning I have the cereal for breakfast. When you add milk it diminishes the bitterness – you can still taste it, but not offensively, and once I get over the fact I’m eating mince pie cereal, I realise I’m very much enjoying these wheaties. Before I know it, the bowl is empty and I’m happily full. See you tomorrow, mince pie wheats. Love, your newest convert xox.” —Huffington Post U.K.

Have you tried Mince Pie Wheats? Sound off in the comments below if you think it’d be worth the effort for me to track it down.

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29

Oct. ’20

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cinnamilk

Cinnamon Toast Crunch Cinnamilk

The year is 20TC: I listen to the satisfying crunch as I click with my dusty Cinnamouse to publish a new Cinneriously.net blog post about Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s latest cinnamon sugar lifestyle cinnfusion: Cinnalink, a brain chip that immediately (and constantly) triggers the neural enjoyment of eating Cinnamon Toast Crunch, all without lifting a spoon! It’s the taste you no longer need to see—though you can recreate the experience with the brand’s accompanying Cinnavision Goggles.

Yes, with over 1,000 different uses for the Cinnamon Toast Crunch essence they’ve extracted from each crazy square’s mortal soul, General Mills is just a few Cinnamon Toast Seraphims away from opening up a holy portal to the Cinnaverse’s sweet, sweet paradise. And we’re all invited over for eternal breakfast!

But that’s in the future. Right now, Cinnamon Toast Crunch has only begun its quest to literally milk the cereal’s cult status dry with peripheral products that, though ostensibly only flavored with cinnamon and sugar, still carry name brand markup. It’s especially fitting that this latest piece of Toast Crunch news, Nestle’s Cinnamilk, came out the same day I finally acquired CTC Cinnadust:

I consider this poetic because, as Nestle also makes Nesquik, I could now either a) simply drink Cinnamilk, b) mix Cinnadust and regular milk, Nesquik style, or c) mix Cinnadust and Cinnamilk to clip out of reality and into the Cinnaverse—years before General Mills’ plan to do the same. That said, there’s also the traditionalist’s option d), to eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and drink the milk left behind, but who would want to do something so antiquated? It’s 2020, Grandpa: we ingest cereal in other forms of matter now. Now hook me up to my CinnamO₂n tank.

Now that I’ve spent this entire blog post wasting your time by Cinnamon Toast Chuckling at my own jokes, I’ll leave you with the one fact you probably came here for:

14oz bottles of Cinnamilk will hit mass retailers in January.

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