Yearly Archives: 2020

Review: Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Crunch

New Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Cereal Review Box

You know those quasi-popular memes that contrast one’s grieving friends & family with the reality that one is in the underworld as Doomguy, looking for vengeance? Yeah, that’s gonna be me in the bowels of H-E-Double-Hockey-Sticks, aiming to double-damn the infernal blight of the Elf on the Shelf. Of course, I’d never find him, since that well-hidden Elf resides either high in Satan’s castle or in some abstract negative space unreachable by human souls.

All that to say, I don’t like Elf on the Shelf. I don’t like his silent menace, his plasticine face, or his chaotic-neutral mischief. But since Elf on the Shelf Vanilla Candy Cane Cookie Crunch is one of only two new Holiday cereals this season, I’m obligated to give this wintertide rascal his due bloggerly diligence.

Because if I don’t, he’ll probably curse me into endlessly wandering his snowy pocket dimension’s gingerbread labyrinth. Continue reading

Quick Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Soft Baked Bars

New Cinnamon Toast Crunch Soft Baked Bars Review Box

When it comes to Quick Reviews on this blog, I have a sordid history: 98% of the time that I title a post “Quick Review,” I end up removing the word “Quick” after effortlessly coasting past the 500-word mark. But this time, with Cinnamon Toast Crunch Soft Baked Bars, I’m committed to making this, perhaps, my shortest review ever. Why? Let me give you a few quick reasons: Continue reading

News: Two New Kellogg’s Cereals, Two New Kellogg’s Cereal Bars

New Cinnamon Roll Frosted Mini-Wheats and Blueberry Special K Cereals

While General Mills dropped their entire Early 2021 cereal lineup in one concentrated dump of rendered cardboard, Kellogg’s is sharing their New Year’s offerings in drips & drabs. with each of the products pictured here hitting headlines across the past week or so.

First we have two cereals on opposing ends of the sugary–healthy cereal spectrum. Cinnamon Roll Frosted Mini-Wheats clearly has no reservations about frosting full-gloss, twinkling and gooey cinna-bun flavor atop its thatched squares. Granted, Frosted Mini-Wheats variants often aren’t flavored that potently, regardless of how rich their dessert inspirations may be. In fact, while I’m sure Cinnamon Roll Frosted Mini-Wheats will taste just fine, this isn’t entirely new territory for the brand. Cinnamon Roll Frosted Mini-Wheats Little Bites were around in 2012, and I’m a firm believer in the superior flavor of Mini-Mini-Wheats—simply because they have a higher frosting-to-wheat ratio.

Likewise, Special K with REAL WHOLE BLUEBERRIES seems kind of like a downgrade from Blueberry and Lemon Clusters Special K, which may not have had whole blueberries, but it had freakin’ yogurt clusters. That’s way more deserving of an obnoxiously all-caps box banner. But hey, it’ll probably also taste alright, if not good! Continue reading

News: Wonderworks Keto Friendly Cereal | Chocolate, Peanut Butter, & Cinnamon

New Wonderworks Keto Friendly Cereal from General Mills Boxes

If you follow cereal news, one thing you quickly learn is that January is the December of joyous new breakfast tidings. For whatever reason, cereal companies love to ring in the New Year by announcing a dozen or more products in one bulk batch. This usually leaves my poor fingers aching as I try to cover everything in one mega post, but thankfully—at least for General Mills’ January announcement—I’ve covered just about everything already.

Everything but the above three cereals—probably the only three in General Mills’ Class of ’21 that won’t sabotage your Resolution. Continue reading

News: Larabar Cereals

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip Larabar Cereal

(Update: there will also be a third Larabar Cereal variety: Cashew Cookie!)

Six months after the first bar-turned-cereal reared its overpriced head, Larabar is giving chase. It’s unclear whether KIND inspired Larabar parent company General Mills to deconstruct their energy bars too—try as I might, I couldn’t figure out who makes KIND Cereal. KIND is owned by Mars, a name that certainly isn’t a breakfast aisle regular, as they repeatedly refuse to drop an M&M’s cereal. But I digress; I like Larabars a lot more than KIND bars, so I’m genuinely wishing them well with the ambitious Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip above.

I’ll be honest with y’all: I think this cereal is going to taste amazing.I anticipate a total slapper, if not a Cereal of the Year contender. Why am I so confident? Just look at it! Chocolate chips, peanuts, oats and flakes—how can it go wrong? I’ll lament that there probably won’t be any doughy notes like in a real Larabar, but this is giving me serious Love Crunch vibes. And that’s saying something.

But wait, there’s more! Continue reading

The Empty Bowl Episode Forty-Two: Pebbles-Giving

Anybody still riding out strategically stockpiled leftovers? I’m on my last wistful wedge of quiche, and it’s a heavy feeling. Heavy in every sense. Knowing I have to go back to decidedly un-cornbread-stuffed, everyday pedestrian cuisine fills me with dread. And lazily peanut-buttered bread.

For anyone else out there wrestling with food prep procrastination, winter worries, or holiday gift anxieties, we’ve prepared a new episode of The Empty Bowl. Though it can’t solve every stress, Justin and I hope our meditative podcast about cereal can at least be a soothing salve for a half hour or so.

In this episode, we peruse a glut of upcoming Pebbles products, break down two cereal trinities (my pet theories), and share our dearest thanks with two pillars of the cereal aisle.

Still got leftover woes? We’ve got a lot more 30-minute audio escape pods at our Anchor hub. You can also follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but each one is like a caramelized onion blessing the green bean casserole we call life.

Review: Froot Loops Candy Canes

New Froot Loops Candy Canes Review

Does anyone actually love candy canes? I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re irreplaceable symbols of the season, and they’re often tasty—especially the fruity ones. But is the humble candy cane anyone’s honest-to-goodness’-sake favorite wintertide treat? Growing up, I never sought candy canes out and really just got them from parades or school events. As a rough and tumble lad in East Michigan farm country, I was far too clumsy to keep said candy canes in my pocket without somehow shattering the brittle shepherd’s crooks into a million pieces. At that point, I’d rather have Pop Rocks.

Like I said, I prefer fruity to mint, so new Froot Loops Candy Canes start off on a more sympathetic foot compared to the cereal aisle’s first proper peppermint cereal. Both these candy canes and that new Elf on the Shelf cereal are hitting stores now. While I’ve yet to track down that wily sprite, I’m more than ready to see whether Toucan Sam’s sugared canes suck in the good or bad sense of the word. Continue reading

News: Monster Mash Cereal (Frute Brute & Yummy Mummy Return for 2021?)

2021 Monster Mash Cereal Frute Brute Yummy Mummy

Alright nobody panic!!

I say, as I shotgun a half-gal of 2% and punch Boo Berry-shaped holes in my drywall. But really: Monster Mash Cereal could prove to be the biggest cereal headline since General Mills first revived Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy for one year in 2013.

To quickly summarize the wholly grainy image above’s significance, General Mills’ seasonal Monster Cereals, which appear each Halloween season, are nostalgic cultural touchstones for cereal lovers the world over. While Count Chocula, Franken Berry, and Boo Berry are regular spooky shelf fixtures, cherry-flavored Frute Brute and orange-flavored Yummy Mummy were discontinued in the ’80s and ’90s respectively, having only returned once in 2013—though recent Monster box art loves to make nods to them.

Brute and Mummy or not, the expectation is usually that General Mills will do something different for the Monster Cereals each year, whether that’s mixing up the marshmallow shapes or bringing in guest artists to do the boxes. Sadly, in recent years a malignant malaise has surrounded the cereals, which keep recycling the same box art and continuing to use controversial corn ingredients instead of the oat flour that made 20th century Monster Cereals so memorable.

However, for once, we’re entering a new year with a monstrous helping of hope. Thanks to Michigan Ghostbusters, who first shared the below image, we now know that some sort of 5-in-1 “Monster Mash” cereal is planned for next autumn. This isn’t 100% surprising—I sort of predicted that 2021 could mean something special, since it’s the 50th anniversary of Count Chocula and Franken Berry’s 1971 debut.

Continue reading