Monthly Archives: February 2020

Review: Rice Krispies Treats Caramel Snap Crackle Poppers

Cereal is for squares.

No, really. Though of course all food is three-dimensional, especially the well-rounded corn puff, but when it comes to crunchy quadrilaterals, we get a lot of squarish, rectangular, and pillowy things, yet never any perfectionist-pleasing union of six squares. Hence why cereal scholars have been asking for decades: when will breakfast enter its cubist period?

Following their controversial performance piece “The Bastardization of Rice Krispies Treats Cereal,” A.M. auteurs Snap, Crackle and Pop are back with a freshly caramelized coat of paint on last year’s Snap Crackle Poppers. So while I loathe what’s become of RKTC with every snap and crackle of my boiling blood, this line of miniaturized and glazed Treats is actually pretty good—especially the Cookies ‘n’ Creme ones.

It’s surely only a matter of time before Kellogg’s piggybacks off this geometric success to release Raisin Bran bites in the shape of Metatron’s Cube. But in the mean time, let’s see how the Rice Krispies boys’ latest inherently stackable snack stacks up to its predecessors. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: caramel, kellogg's, rice krispies. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

News: Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa with Lucky Charms Marshmallows

Ever wonder what one of those iridescent parking lot oil slicks would taste like? Well now you won’t have to risk braincells nor brawn to find out, because once these Lucky Charms marshmallows melt into your Swiss Miss Hot Cocoa, I have to imagine the resulting soup will call to mind muddy puddles, dirt pies, and watercolor mixers.

But will Swiss Miss with Lucky Charms Marshmallows still taste good? Almost certainly, because there’s really nothing Lucky Charms branded marshmallows will add to this Nesquikish stew that mini marshmallows haven’t already been doing for centuries.

Nevertheless, expect these hot mixes to hit shelves any day now—if nothing else, I can guarantee they’ll taste better than the kind of cocoa my kid self made by microwaving chocolate milk.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: general mills, lucky charms, marshmallows, news, non cereal. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

Review: Kellogg’s Froot Loops Pop-Tarts

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards breakfast to be born?

Seriously: if you showed me the above product 30 years ago, my dad would be putting a fist in your soon-to-be-twinkling eye. But seriously Cerealously: I’ve become so accustomed to the notion of Pop-Tarts as a cereal that I hardly stopped to consider the infinite opportunity within its inverse.

Now, Froot Loops probably wouldn’t be my first choice for a co-branded Kellogg’s Crunch-Tart. I would’ve picked Raisin Bran or Cocoa Krispies, if only so they could be called Snap, Crackle Pop-Tarts. But nevertheless, this sort of fusion you’d think would be forbidden by church and state alike has come to my bruncheon nook

Churning and churning in my widening stomach
The Toucan cannot hear the toaster;
Crust falls apart, the filling cannot hold;
Iced anarchy is Looped upon my bowl. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: froot loops, kellogg's, pop-tarts. 3 Comments

Feb. ’20

News: Kellogg’s Sponge on the Run SpongeBob Cereal

“Hey Patrick, what am I now?”

“Uhh…cheap & uninspired?”

“No, I’m Kellogg’s!”

“What’s the difference?!”

Look, I’m ready for a new SpongeBob Cereal as much as the next square, but this? For a sponge that’s already been put through the wringer by staffing changes and ongoing Flanderization, Robert and his late-’90s childhood-defining reputation deserve better.

See, Kellogg’s “new” SpongeBob SquarePants Cereal, launching to promote this May’s Sponge on the Run, is a lazily deceptive union of existing Kellogg’s releases. The dreadfully bland vanilla pieces will be familiar to anyone who’s tried Kellogg’s last dump of cinematic cereals. Granted, these squares are a bit denser and have a more multigrained appeal than other cheap corn puffs, but it’s a bit unforgivable that Sponge on the Run Cereal recycles the same marbits seen way back in 2003’s SpongeBob Cereal—without the unique Jellyfish shaped pieces!

At least General Mills’ chintzy Bikini Bottom cash grab fruit-flavored its Sponge & Pat-shaped swill:

So now, instead of dignifying this DoodleBob of a cereal with any more words—oh, there are also Rice Krispies Treats that taste the same but with SB on the packaging—I will instead list Sponge-worthy flavors Kellogg’s could’ve explored:

Kelp, Glove, Sandwich Made with Jellyfish Jelly, Fried Oyster Skin, Seanut Brittle, Bobby Sauce, or of course, Triple Gooberberry Sunrise. Heck, I’d even take a Nasty Patty Cereal at this point.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: kellogg's, movie cereals. 2 Comments

Feb. ’20

Review: Coffee Mate Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer

Sure, Dr. Robotnik might be smart in the 2020 Valentine’s Day box office darling Sonic the Hedgehog, but can he see why caffeine-addicted young adults love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer?

It’s got cinnamon sugar swirls in every swig: it’s the taste that can seep!

Jokes and flossing hedgehogs aside, something’s been messing with my brain: the fact that we’ve gotten more semifluid additions to the Toast Crunch family lately than we have crunchable cereals.

Coupled with Malt-O-Meal’s successful reintroduction of Blueberry Muffin Toasters, this leaves me wondering whether Cinnamon Toast Crunch, ostensibly one of cereal’s most iconic names, is stagnating as a brand. I mean, the last Toast Crunch we got was just the same thing cylinderized! Where’s the return of Peanut Butter Toast Crunch? Where’s the PB&J sequel to Peanut Butter Toast Crunch I just thought of? And the trilogy-closing Elvis Toast Crunch that many critics would call “breakfast’s most cinematic feat”?

Sorry, I might just be jaded and jittery thanks to this taste test. I promise I’m not dismissing Coffee Mate’s new Cinnamon Toast Crunch Coffee Creamer before the review even starts—I’m just a mildly lactose intolerant cereal blogger who wants to get back to his oat milk. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, non cereal, toast crunch. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

The Empty Bowl Episode Twenty-Six: Risky Shrapnel

A C D F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S V W X Y.

Now that there’s an episode for each letter of the alphabet, the only things we’re missing above are TEB, U and some sweet Zs. If you’re in the market for a crunchy podcast with cozy vibes, look no further: my and Justin‘s (roughly) biweekly soaks in heaven’s hottest cereal jacuzzi are meant to chill you out (and possibly knock you out!) by detuning the world in favor of casual, breakfast-centric discussion.

This time around, we’re sharing some tragic news about one of our favorite cereals, choking down chunkfuls of Sippable Toast Crunch, and considering the possibility of too much cereal.

If you’re tired of looping your ABCs to fall asleep, you can find more episodes at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but they’re much more pleasing to our eyes than cinnamon slurry.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: empty bowl. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

Spooned & Spotted: Froot Loops White Chocolate Easter Bunny

What’s that old Froot Loops slogan again? “Follow your ears…to transcend earthly spheres!” Or something like that.

The point is that, through some unexpected matchmaking between Kellogg’s and candymaker Frankford, our world has birthed a warren of White Chocolate Froot Loops Easter Bunnies, each capable of supplementing their big-beaked father’s apparent lack of audio-capturing organs. With his sense of smell and these rabbits’ lengthy lobes, Toucan Sam’s many enemies will no longer be able to sneak up on him.

Samuel’s senses have become too powerful for this plane, and the only way for us to prevent rainbow-looped Ragnarok is to eat as many of these rascally reconnaissance rabbits as possible.

Though February has hardly even begun to let loose her polar powdered wrath, these edible heralds of Punxsutawney Phil’s prophesied early spring have already been spotted by Cerealously pal Sammy Hain at Big Lots. Naturally, the best move when you get your hands on a Froot Loops Easter Bunny will be to slice it up with a cheese cutter and serve it atop Froot Loops Pop-Tarts like a cardiac-arresting charcuterie board.

(Conversely, the worst move would be to try toasting these hares like said Pop-Tarts, but that’s between you and your kitchen appliances.)

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: easter, froot loops, kellogg's, non cereal. Leave a comment

Feb. ’20

Review: Yoplait Trix & Cinnamon Toast Crunch Smoothies

Milk? Never heard of her. Is that some fermented barnyard beverage, like a cow-bucha?

I mean, it’s 2020: we’ve got more viscous things to pour over our cereal. While many make a New Year’s resolution to get thinner, there’s a skim-to-none chance that I don’t spend the year progressively thickening my breakfast additives.

Case in point: new Yoplait Trix & Cinnamon Toast Crunch Smoothies, two chuggable recontextualizations of popular cereals that are likely not meant to join their namesake noshes in bowl-y matrimony—though I am hellbent on doing so anyway. These bottles come four to a clumsily constructed cardboard pack (seriously, put these in a separate bag or you’ll end up bungling a liter of chilled Trix sauce down your front steps), and conveniently contain exactly enough smoothie to douse a bowl of cereal.

But of course, I must slug ’em back raw before any experimentation. So forgive me as I make whatever wretched noises accompany the process of “opening up one’s throat.” Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, non cereal, toast crunch, trix. 1 Comment