Monthly Archives: July 2019

14

Jul. ’19

Review: FYE Blue-Eyes White Dragon Berry Blast Cereal

FYE Blue-Eyes White Dragon Cereal Review Berry Blast Box

The year is 2004, or something.

I spent the morning carefully curating and collating the best possible Yu-Gi-Oh! deck from a jumbo tupperware’s worth of monster-fronted cardboard rectangles.

I go to my local Meijer grocery store, which, for some reason, was hosting a Yu-Gi-Oh! tournament (an in-store event that, for some even worse reason, never happens these days).

Using my incredibly overpowered Wave-Motion Cannon, I obliterate another plucky young fellow, who proceeded to yell at me for “not telling him what the card did.” To which I replied, “Well you never asked…”

Needless to say, I lost the next match and got grifted by some older dude who coerced me into trading a good card for a ruddy one.

(I promise you, I am only haunted by this story bidaily, at most.)

So yes, while I was very into the Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters trading card game ~15 years ago, I never expected to sit eye-to-blue-eyes with a Yu-Gi-Oh! cereal in the year 2019. FYE’s Blue-Eyes White Dragon Cereal isn’t the first YGO! cereal, either: the first, 2003 version boasted more thematically interesting Millennium Puzzle pieces, and back-of-the-box art that’s way more interesting than Blue-Eyes’ so-last-millennium word puzzle:

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11

Jul. ’19

News: Count Chocula’s 2019 Return

Warning: the below cereal is scary.

Terrifying.

Downright perturbing and petrifying.

Last chance to tuck in your inner child somewhere beneath your liver.

Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you…

Count Chocula 2019 Monster Cereal Box

If you’re unsure why the above cereal box art sparks so much primal revulsion in the pits of my soul, you’ve got a few decades of creatively Choculated lore to catch up on. For so long, General Mills’ Monster Cereals—and especially Count Chocula, as their de facto fanged leader—have returned during the Halloween season with new charming box themes and art styles, making them reliably nostalgic accent pieces for any reboot-free horror movie marathon.

But ever since the Monster Cereals’ oat flour formula was infamously changed—a decision that likely fractured us into the darkest timeline—their theming has gotten as inspired as the Children of the Corn franchise. At least to me, it feels like a palpable loss of innocence, especially since 2013’s gave false hope by bringing back Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy for just one year. Continue reading →

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09

Jul. ’19

Review: Malt-O-Meal Snickerdoodle Cookie Bites

Malt-O-Meal Snickerdoodle Cookie Bites Cereal Review Bag

Though they share a mother in milk, there are perhaps no other food pairings quite as harmonious and simultaneously anachronistic as cereal and cookies. One carries an entire nation’s breakfast connotations on its sugared back, while the other cloaks its doughy balls in the sinful jar of night. And yet, I can’t think of any one prepared treat that has inspired more cereals than the cookie, with its manifold masquerade of infinite options:

Oreo cereal. Nilla cereal. Even a modern holiday classic. I’ll admit this is a hollow victory, since the cookie clan certainly has such a broad definition. But hey, there are a ton of ice cream flavors out there, and with a few exceptions, cereals flavored like those suckers/lickers keep striking out.

Post & Malt-O-Meal (essentially creative twins, but one more literally thinks outside the box) are continuing the cookie’s never-crumbling reign by expanding their line of Cookie Bites even further. What started as a clear chip off the ol’ Cookie Crisp became Nutter Butter Cereal’s better half earlier this year. Now, it’s taking aim at the holiday season…a whole five months early?

I won’t question the business strategy behind dropping a snickerdoodle cereal in the summer, but all I’m saying is that if a cereal’s gonna celebrate Christmas in July, it better be offering me a steal of a deal on a used Kia Sorento. Continue reading →

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05

Jul. ’19

Review: South Korean Oreo O’s RED & Peanut Butter O’s!

South Korean Oreo O's RED Cereal Review Peanut Butter Os Cereal Boxes

What better way to celebrate a special day than with two special cereals?

Or to be more sentimentally apt, what better way to celebrate the fourth anniversary of Cerealously.net than with a new variant of this blogger’s all-time favorite cereal?

Yes, it feels like I’ve preached the virtues of South Korean Oreo O’s so many times in the past four years that it borders on trite fanboyism at this point. But guess what? It’s my party, and I can gush about longitudinal variances in cocoa and marbit potency if I want to.

Especially since this occasion’s significance surpasses any individual’s milky milestone. Despite being voted the best Oreo O’s in their class by D.G. Power & Associates for the past half decade, South Korean Oreo O’s have never gotten a new flavor variant—a tragedy when we see just how lame America’s rebooted OO’s cinematic universe turned out.

Technically, there were Honey O’s bearing the aqueous mascot of Oreo O’s—a crossover we’ll see again later in the this article—but now the Oreo name and implied legacy officially endorse Oreo O’s RED, which is a Chocolate–Strawberry combo far more interesting than Golden or Mega Marbit Stuf’d.

In honor of Cerealously 4th birthday, I will humbly endure the jolly good burden of eating four bowls.

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04

Jul. ’19

The Empty Bowl Episode Fifteen: Red, White, and Ineffective Camouflage for the Soggy War

Happy Independence Day to my American readers: may your day be filled with high-velocity hotdog eating, low-acceleration lazy rivers, and bowls of watermelon so deep you have to spoon chunks out of the juices, cereal style.

If you find yourself, your cat or dog overwhelmed by loud fireworks or Uncle Paul’s nonstop salvo of cannonballs, you can dive into the placid milky tides of The Empty Bowl Fifteen.

In this episode, Justin and I declassify Cap’n Crunch’s ever-expanding patriotic cereal campaign, lead a hemisphere-spanning investigation into two Mermaid cereals, and give a newcomer to the cereal world some first-day orientation.

Want to keep celebrating your independence from bad vibes? You can find more cereal free-for-alls at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but they all make me pledge my allegiance to you, the kind listener.

As a bonus, you can see what the Cap’n planned for my own holiday weekend. Measuring in at actually 34 pounds, this is by far the wildest cereal gift I’ve been delivered—and as a surprise, at that. Thanks again, Cap: but would it kill you to mix up some Crunch Berry White Claw I could fill it with?

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02

Jul. ’19

Review: Toy Story 4 Carnival Berry Cereal

Toy Story 4 Carnival Berry Cereal Review Box

I’ll be honest, even though it’s been out for over a week, Toy Story 4 has not yet graced my ideas. It’s not (entirely) about it being an unnecessary sequel, and more about how I have to pee so often during movies that it leaves massive plot holes in my memory if the staff refuse to pause it for me.

And yes, I did once try to slip out to the restroom during The Last Jedi, accidentally opened the door to outside, and bathed the theater in an embarrassing flood of blinding hyperspace.

But here in the comfort of my own home, I can find cinematic relief through open relieving—all while eating cheap cereal instead of $11 kids’ snack boxes (the gummies are just so good!). So as I crack open a box of Toy Story 4 Carnival Berry Cereal, I’m forced to interpret the plot based entirely on this sensory breakfast experience.

So far all I’ve garnered is that during the film, the toys are blessed (or cursed?) with the ability to sprint across empty air—even in a five-alarm red void. Let’s hope the taste features more character development…

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