How convenient: just days after I dunked on Americanized Oreo O’s for not staying true to 2002’s Extreme Creme Oreo O’s (ostensibly the definitive, Game of the Year Edition of Oreo O’s), we get this.
Perhaps rightfully realizing the prurient wordplay potential of high-octane creme, the Oreo O’s + marshmallows equation has been redubbed Mega Stuf Oreo O’s. Equally plausible is a necessary signal boost for actual Mega Oreo cookies, whose excessive novelty has been rendered practically obsolete by the self-lampooning leviathan that is The Most Stuf Oreo cookie. Continue reading →
You know, the ceaseless, caustic conflict between those who love those graham-wrapped little choco-chrysalises (hi, it’s me) and those who think they taste like dog food (*ahem*). Such division doesn’t belong in the breakfast aisle, a demilitarized zone for those seeking unanimously sweet solidarity and shared cereal ceasefires. But what are we to do?
Should we pan-fry pieces of Krave to make them more palatable? Barrel-age our Krave in Bailey’s to make it more…utilitarian? Or must we Kravers acquiesce and bury all our polarizing cereal right next to the hatchet?
The answer’s far simpler: build a better filled pillow cereal. Which is just what General Mills has done with their aptly named Fillows line of cereals. These little cereal nuggets are filled with crème (though some sites have called it icing), and are currently only available at Walmart in family-sized boxes. But even though each box weighs over a pound—and features foil, rather than plastic, bags to properly secure their shimmering density—I don’t think you’ll need a family to finish it.
Just be ready to carry a food baby when you’re finished.
Forty is a large number. There’s a reason it’s a common Biblical increment of days, as well as the highest number ever counted to on Sesame Street: achieving forty of something is a Big feat—whether it’s Bird or Man in the Sky.
Which is why it’s both a blessing and curse that Lucky Charms’ newest sort-of-cereal-bar is only currently available in boxes (would crates be a better word? caches? sarcophagi?) of forty. As a hardline cereal journalist, of course I had a cinderblock’s worth of these redressed Fiber One brownies shipped to my house, and now it sits as a fixed centerpiece on my coffee table (for at least the next forty days and forty nights), patiently awaiting hungry houseguests—or at least mischievous house cats who love tipping over boxes.
These Marshmallow Blondies are simple beige squares, with a splattered smattering of half-baked marshmallows and an abstract cascade of icing. Certainly much different than the ‘pressed cereal log’ approach of most cereal bars, but is it worth the XL investment? As a natural blondie, I feel qualified to tell you. Continue reading →
…that I’ll ever need. Mostly because Hardee’s Froot Loops Mini Donut Milkshake sounds like the shimmering iridescent zenith of all three of my greatest indulgent joys, and partly because I don’t know if my consequence-blind moderate lactose intolerance could resist impulsively imploding my intestines just to try one.
You may remember when Hardee’s and sister-cousin-doppelgänger chain Carl’s Jr. launched Froot Loops Mini Donuts last year. They looked like Moon Sand molded with ICEE syrup, and you could easily put away like six of ’em before noticing a strange, artificially colored aurora borealis emitting from your abdomen.
What fewer people remember is that Hardee’s “new” Froot Loops Mini Donut Milkshake was available alongside the Mini Donuts last year, but apparently in a much more limited context. Even the one photo I shared of it has since been deleted from Instagram, ostensibly removing it (and potentially its drinker) from history so Hardee’s could rewrite a more hype-worthy timeline wherein this shake is brand new.
Granted, that old shake was only spotted at Carl’s Jr., to my knowledge, and this 2019 Froot Loops Mini Donut Milkshake has only been announced by Hardee’s so far. They claim it “features creamy, hand-scooped ice cream mixed with real milk, blended and garnished with Froot Loops Mini Donuts and whipped topping.” In this case, the shake isn’t even the real star: it’s the free Mini Donut that’s nestled snuggly around the straw, practically begging you to remove the lid and let it slide into pasteurized oblivion.
The shake’s suggested retail price is $3.29, and select Hardee’s locations are also offering an order of Mini Donuts for only $1 with any purchase, which sounds like a slam dunk of a deal—or perhaps five of them.
Now that we’ve apparently breached New Cereal Mania Jr., the summer son of January’s non-stop oated onslaught, General Mills is revealing its coincidental—or perhaps copycat—strategy of forging creative cereal–non-cereal brand partnerships.
Just yesterday, we learned of two new Fillows flavors, Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme and Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll: conspicuous analogues for Post’s Oreo O’s and Hostess Honey Bun cereals. Now with the arrival of two new Drumstick cereals, the comparison to Malt-O-Meal (aka Post again)’s Cold Stone Creamery cereals seems inevitable.
Granted, General Mills already brought licensed frosty flavor recently with two Dippin’ Dots cereals, but those were so awful and ice scream-inducing that history will remember them as the “ice cream cereal of the future” from some darkest timeline that tragically intersected our own.
Here’s hoping GM has started from scoop one on both Classic Vanilla and Mint Chocolate Drumstick cereals. Spotted by @coachlongest at Walmart, these diversely textured menageries boast Golden Graham-esque cone pieces (a waffling step down from their old Ice Cream Cones cereal’s authentic geometry), chocolate puffs, and rounded discs that you may remember from Thin Mints Cereal.
The jury’s still out on whether my local ice cream shoppe will let me buy a bulk pack of dipped waffle cone bowls to review these (especially after I demanded to see theIce Cream Machine from Neopets), but for now, I’ll be sure to microwave a few Drumsticks to use as milk.
Our thanks again to Coach Longest for sharing the photo. If you have any hot or cold scoops of your own to share, truck ’em on over to our Submissions page.
Ever have one of those dreams where the Pillsbury Doughboy offers you a bite of his arm, and you wake up molar-deep in memory foam?
Uh, yeah, me neither.
But if you have ever wanted to sink your teeth in a pillow first thing every morning, General Mills has two new cereals to tickle your down-feathered fancy.
They’re called Fillows, and they’re launching this Monday at select Walmart stores, before hitting other grocery chains this fall. Coming in both Hershey’s Cookies ‘n’ Creme and Pillsbury Cinnamon Roll, Fillows are likely a bold effort by General Mills to counter their rivals’ tasty cerealpartnerships—though Cookies ‘n’Creme has actually existed in regional markets for some time now.
Fillows claim to be “the only cereal to deliver a crunchy shell with a burst of creme filling in every bite.” Which isn’t really true, especially since Fillows are already a direct dig at Krave—I hear they even meant to call ’em Krillows, but it would’ve ruined their idea for a crunchy crustacean cereal.
Comparisons aside, I’m very excited to try both icing-packed flavors and immediately fill my own pillow with my face.
What does America taste like? It seems Pop-Tarts is having a tough time figuring it out.
They’ve tried the obvious. They’ve tried to distill the essence of our diets. And they’ve tried two other Red, White & ___ flavors before ditching the generic Berry and misplaced Cherry (which works neither chromatically nor rhythmically) for Blueberry.
Red, White & Blueberry Pop-Tarts may make more sense than its previous flagged flavors, though I do wish they’d get right to the heartland of America and make Superman Ice Cream Pop-Tart—they already have DC’s blessing!
Proudly baked in the USA* without oxford (or any) commas, Red ⭑ White & Blueberry Pop-Tarts have already been spotted at Market Basket and Jewel Osco stores (with complete nutrition info), according to The Impulsive Buy. But in keeping with the recent tradition of weird places to buy breakfast products, you can pick up a box of RW&B Pop-Tarts from…Menards?…and get a $0.21 mail-in rebate to boot!
Think of all the penny whistles and MoonPies you could buy with that!
If you have any new breakfast news of your own to wave proudly, hoist it on over to our Submissions page. If I don’t put it on this blog, I’ll at least cram it in my toaster.
*Google seems to think all Pop-Tarts are made domestically, and there is indeed a Pop-Tarts factory not far from me.
If there’s any tangential breakfast product spin-off that needed another Darwinian evolution, it’s the cereal bar.
Following the halcyon days of the Milk ‘n’ Cereal Bar (which you can still buy at places like…Staples?), most modern cereal bars are basically just airy candy/granola bar hybrids. Which isn’t a bad thing—it’s still the only way to experience a different flavor of Golden Graham—but I’m generally in the mood to choose one of those two extremes, or split the difference with a Clif Bar so I can at least feel like I’m scaling a daunting crag whilst lying perfectly horizontal.
But the cereal bar’s next munchable mutation is far more exciting. General Mills—pretty much the only cereal company still making bars of mainline cereals—has launched new Marshmallow Blondie Lucky Charms Soft-Baked Treats, which have already been spotted at BJ’s, Walmart, and Sam’s Club.
Though I’m no-doubt excited about these sugar-drizzled blondies—their fossilized layers of marshmallows remind me of the swirling sugar stew that was Lucky Charms Oatmeal—they do look a lot like General Mills’ Fiber One Bars. So will these magically delicious blondies also be digestively rigorous? That remains to be seen. But whether or not Lucky will be keeping my intestines plucky, I’m all for buying a value-pack of these bricks and mortaring ’em up with ice cream ’til they hit the ceiling.
