Monthly Archives: March 2019

31

Mar. ’19

Review: Trader Joe’s Cocoa Crunch Cereal

Trader Joe's Cocoa Crunch Cereal Review Box

My advertising headcanon:

The Trader Joe’s chief executive sits down to his moderately-priced (though sustainably sourced and crafted by local upper-class private school artisans) desk, attired in a three-piece Hawaiian print suit, and lays into his most recent scheme to take over weirdly specific niche markets. Sort of like J. Jonah Jameson, but with flip-flops.

“Darn it, Leonard!” His assistant’s name is Leonard, I’ve decided. “Bring me identical versions of classic sugary cereals, but without gluten! No more gluten! If it glutes, it goes!”

At this point, poor Leonard readjusts his glasses between harrowingly scribbled notes, too cowed to make eye contact with Mr. Joe. “Y-yes, T.J. Got it. And what should we do about the box art?”

A flash of wrath crosses Trader Joe’s face for an instant, before he reconsiders. “Class. That’s what the cereal aisle is missing. Come up with the most elegant possible image and slap it on both sides. Think minimal. We’ll save on advertising and appeal to kids at the same time.”

“Yes, T.J. But… how will tasteful stock photography draw in children?”

The ire returns. “Darn it, Leonard!” He reaches into his breast pocket and pulls out a small paperback book, slapping it on the desk as everyone in the building collectively winces. “This is what today’s youth want! Get me this author! She’s going to change everything!”

And that’s how Trader Joe’s recent box art came to be designed by Marie Kondo.

In another recent salvo toward more gluten-freedom, the company has paired its prior spheroid offering with a sister release—this one a bit more along traditional cereal lines. In both shape and constitution, Trader Joe’s Gluten Free Cocoa Crunch Cereal is unmistakably meant for comparison with Cocoa Puffs. It’s a puzzling move, then, to adorn the box with a deftly arranged photo of someone’s zakka-inspired place setting with the audacious phrase “serving suggestion.” But you know what? Fine. If that’s how we’re going to play it, then this review needs to go all-in.

Time to one-up this understated high-brow aesthetic. Continue reading →

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29

Mar. ’19

The Empty Bowl Episode Ten: The Court of King B-Daman

Kept you waiting, huh?

The Empty Bowl’s brief hiatus is over, and we’re back with the most subdued, welcoming and genial vengeance you’ve ever heard. For those who have yet to bring their daily anxieties back to an edible equilibrium, welcome to our milky oasis: The Empty Bowl is a podcast wherein Justin McElroy and I explore the latest goings-on in the news-o-sphere of airy new cereal spheres. But timely information is only our secondary goal—we’re mostly focused on inoculation against stress and bad vibes, as our munchie meditations hopefully hark back innocent memories, of when all us human souls were just swimming together in a primordial soup of stardust and Sprinkle Spangles.

In this tenth-most of episodes, we cover some upcoming Kellogg’s cereals, grill Honey Brunches of Oats’ meaty new flavors, and expose the legend of a Legend of Zelda cereal that time—and heroes of it—has largely forgotten.

If your day’s riddled with more worries than one episode can handle, you can find more 20–30 minute soothing soundscapes at our Anchor hub, follow along on Twitter, or send in a listener question. We can’t discuss or respond to every email, but they definitely influence our dreams, so be sure to send a few about milkshake jacuzzis.

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28

Mar. ’19

News: Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch Cereal is Coming Soon!

Cap'n Crunch's Cotton Candy Crunch Cereal Box

(Photo via My County Market)

That’s what I love about Cap’n Crunch: he really knows how to C’ze the day.

Yes, reading the near-perfect alliteration of this blog post’s title allowed can give you an idea of just how fast my c-c-cardiovascular system is working to keep up with news this exciting. For after a couple doubled-down strawberry duds, Quaker’s quintessential cereal character is back with a wispy whirlwind of creativity, the likes of which we haven’t seen since Blueberry Pancake Crunch.

And speaking of never-before-seen innovation, Cap’n Crunch’s Cotton Candy Crunch is poised to (somehow) be the first cereal to knit everyone’s favorite sugary skeins into spherical cereal form. This is a surprise to me at least, since the cult appeal of cotton candy foodstuffs like Bubble Yum and, uh, grapes? make the state fair classic a more logical pick for a carnival-themed cereal than…”berry.” Plus—and this one is definitely just me—the ridiculous charm of cotton candy personifications like The Monster and Rollercoaster Tycoon’s Candyfloss Stalls are just begging for a crossover commercial with someone like Cap’n Crunch.

And heck, why not throw in Scooby-Doo while they’re at it?

Though my thanks go to The Junk Food Aisle for first tipping me off to Cotton Candy Crunch’s product listing, additional gratitude goes to the kind folks at My County Market, who generously supplied the above photo that reveals the stuff’s cool two-toned Crunch Berries that I’d happily string onto fishing line to create a sticky-sweet necklace—the perfect accessory for getting scammed out of $12 at the ring toss.

We can likely expect Cotton Candy Crunch to hit most shelves through late spring, into early summer. Until then, let’s just hope it doesn’t debut with a cringe-worthy .gif of Cap’n Crunch doing “The CandyFloss Dance” from his favorite game “FortBite.”

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24

Mar. ’19

News: Lucky Charms is Giving Away 15,000 Boxes of All Rainbow & Unicorn Marshmallows!

Lucky Charms All Marshmallows Giveaway Rainbows & Unicorns Box

What’s more emotionally resonant than 5,000 candles in the wind? 15,000 cardboard vessels bearing thousands more sugar-smithed unicorn heads riding a manifold wave of cresting rainbows.

And that’s before you add milk.

This ferociously (and fangoriously) devoured fantasy is more likely than you think: once again, Lucky Charms is giving away specially designed boxes of All Marshmallows—but this time, each 270g iridescent treasure chest is full of only rainbows and unicorns.

Continue reading →

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22

Mar. ’19

Review: Annie’s Organic Friends Bunnies Cereal

Annie's Organic Friends Bunnies Chocolate Vanilla Honey Cereal Review Box

Let’s talk turkey. Or bunnies, to be seasonally appropriate.

When you’re reviewing breakfast fare, a scale is necessary. I won’t feign presumptions on how those who write about lesser foodstuffs manage to assign numerical ratings. What constitutes a perfect 10 in, say, pizza? Are there dual systems for thin crust and deep dish? Such are the fodder phantasms that haunt my countertop in the night.

Comparatively, then, I’m grateful for pantry paragons that act as polestars. We know that no cereal on the market today can, however mighty, topple Cracklin’ Oat Bran from its lofty position—even if matched by other exceptional staples. But it’s hard to compare everything against the crème de la crunch. Once in a while, we need to be reminded that superb bowls (heyoo!) exist only in light of normal, unremarkable cereal. We grade Gaussian around these parts, folks, no matter how much one may love log.

So Annie’s released a new cereal. Sort of. Remember Annie’s Homegrown? They make feel-good versions of classic favorites, like organic boxed mac and cheese, organic graham crackers, and organic fruit gummies, all in the shape of their lagomorph mascot. It’s a cute concept, often with a nightmare-conjuring price tag. This one, for instance, runs over $4 USD at my local Walmart for a relatively dinky box.

Naturally, one assumes that quality costs more. And although that hasn’t been the case historically, hare hops spring eternal. Continue reading →

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20

Mar. ’19

Spooned & Spotted (Mexico): Tropical Froot Loops

https://www.instagram.com/p/BvM_eyEFMEf/

For a guy who’s spent his entire 56-year career preaching the Gospel of Froot, Toucan Sam has rarely explored the complex taste spectrum the broad pantheon of seed-dispersal vessels (aka fruit) has to offer.

And he still hasn’t canonized the late Carmen Miranda yet either, so I refuse to acknowledge his scripture’s legitimacy over the Dead Trix Scrolls.

Sure, we’ve gotten smoothie-fied Froot Loops, Wild Berry Froot Loops, and my favorite fruit, Birthday Cake, but the Froot Loops family of flavors still largely sticks to a single, extremely ambiguous and in no way authentic fake fruit cocktail instead of charting new latitudes of crunchy cartography—the closest thing we’ve gotten is vacation-shaped marshmallows.

That is, until now: according to Mexican Candy Lady and renowned cereal documentarian Gabe Fonseca, Mexico now has exclusive Tropical Froot Loops. This variety sees the Loops dressed in the more modest hues of a Jamba Juice sampler, with promises of banana and pineapple flavoring.

Ha, what do you know: they turned my favorite fruit, pineapple upside-down cake, into a weird spiky thing!

Unfortunately, the Mexican Candy Lady’s shop still lists Tropical Froot Loops as out of stock, so I won’t be able to review them—at least until I dream about a Cancún getaway tonight…though you’ll have to meet me at the cerebral bungalow if you want to hear about it.

Froot Loops Pops Cereal

Luckily she does still have new Froot Loops Pops in stock, which appear to be another name (that references Canada’s spherical Corn Pops, perhaps) for the joyous Froot Loops Bloopers that have been out intermittently here in the states.

If you’ve tried Tropical Froot Loops (or want to launch me a box via intercontinental trebuchet), let me know what you think below. And if you have a hemisphere-spanning cereal spotting of your own, you can follow your nose to our Submissions page.

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18

Mar. ’19

News: Kellogg’s Australia Debuts Mermaid Froot Loops

Kellogg's Mermaid Froot Loops Cereal

Is Toucan Sam starting a breakfast bestiary? And if so, why?

Of all the cereal brands out there, I wouldn’t have expected Froot Loops to start a weird off-shoot series of pseudo-spiritual successors that draw from the world of myths and mutants. Despite its history with otherworldly creatures, Froot Loops seems a little too innocently avian to flirt with Unicorns and now Mermaids—that’s the kind of crunchy cryptozoology I’d expect from the likes of Kellogg’s own grinning Ra who represents their -isin Bran.

Exclusive to Costco, these Australia-exclusive Mermaid Froot Loops seems like a parallel universe version of Caticorn Cereal, a quasi-Froot Loops pet project that has a temporary Sam’s Club exclusivity here in the states. But while Caticorn Cereal was littered with ghosts of faint fruitiness, Mermaid Froot Loops appear to just be Mardi Grad-colored Loops—though their lack of artificial colors and flavors raise the question of just how genuine the expected Froot Loops fakeness will taste.

Regardless, Australian Froot Loops deserve my respect, not just for putting a female mascot on a cereal box—an apparently unheard of phenomenon in the U.S. outside of, uh, Dora the Explorer Cereal?—but also for preserving the two-dimensional purity of Toucan Sam, whose American counterpart has become an anthropomorphized terror who would just love to show you how double-jointed his slender, feathered fingers are.

If you’ve tried Mermaid Froot Loops, let me know how they are in the comments. And if you’ve managed to catch another new cereal cryptid on camera, you can share them on our Submissions page—our thanks to Hedvig for the Mermaidian tip.

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17

Mar. ’19

News: St. Patrick’s Day Lucky Charms are Back!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! If by chance you need something to float in your green beer—or at least something hearty and oaty enough to absorb out of your green-gilled gut later—you can catch a box of Lucky Charms’ storied St. Paddy’s Day stuff in both plain ol’ oat and sweet chocolate corn varieties.

Once filled only with two-toned green shamrock marshmallows, Lucky’s bowl o’ merriment has added twinkling pots of gold, as well—a good colorful addition, though I’d love to see the exiled hourglass marshmallow make a yearly prodigal return instead.

All that said, this year’s Leprechaun Trap concept, which has been appearing on every Lucky Charms variety, doesn’t really target my age demographic. Let’s hope we can see gradual innovation year by year on this concept, so in about a decade’s time we can have Mint Lucky Charms Shamrocks that turn your milk into Bailey’s.

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