Monthly Archives: October 2018

Review: 5 Otees Cereal Flavors (from South Africa!)

Otees Cereal Review - Boxes

Box photos courtesy of Gabe Fonseca

Like it or not, sometimes American breakfast aisles can be an echo chamber of crunches. For every truly novel new cereal flavor we get, there are probably half a dozen or more slight refractions of tried and true favorite flavors: chocolate, peanut butter, strawberry, a perennial genealogy of seasonal variants, and so forth. I get it, it’s low risk, reliable reward business, but sometimes I just want to meet the type of fascinating cereal that will blow my mind and taste buds right out of my head, before picking up my essential organs from the floor, returning them, and politely apologizing like a true cereal gentleman.

And often to do this, we have to look beyond our typical pantry borders.

I was first tipped off about Otees by some cereal fan FB group chatter, and two of the South African cereal brand’s flavors stuck out to me: Bubblegum and Creme Soda. I’d never think to see those flavors on U.S. shelves for like 10 years, given the creeping rate of current innovation, yet Bokomo, a company neither Cereal Time‘s Gabe Fonseca nor I could find much about outside of an old commercial, despite it being South Africa’s biggest cereal producer, has released both. I’m glad Gabe is as interested in these unique flavors as I, because after being sent all 5 Otees boxes for his collection by a kind cereal fan, Gabe generously donated some surplus cereal so we could both give our thoughts on the taste.

So without further exposé or delay, let’s get to chewing for an indefinite length of time (I’m looking at you, Bubblegum).

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News: Honey Bunches of Oats Apple Caramel Crunch Cereal

Honey Bunches of Oats Apple Caramel Crunch

I consider Honey Bunches of Oats to be the quiet zen master of the major cereal names. With just about no press and just as little fanfare, the brand releases new variations of its perfected-over-decades, eaten-religiously-by-my-mother-for-even-longer honey flakes ‘n’ oat clusters recipe.

Seriously, while products like Oreo O’s and Neopets Islandberry Crunch shaped my cheerily hedonistic love of sweetly nostalgic, character-fronted cereals, kid me really cut his teeth (though mostly his mouth-roofing) on Honey Roasted and Cinnamon Honey Bunches of Oats.

This unlikely origin story is what makes me continually excited for new Honey Bunches products, but it’s the continued quality of those flavors that’s made me a card-carrying advocate.

Seriously, ask for my Registered HBOat-ers License if you ever run into me. I’ll either show it to you or mumble something incoherent about a wallet until I can find the nearest storm drain to tuck and roll into. Continue reading

Coming Soon: Soft Filled Cinnamon Toast Crunch & Cocoa Puffs Bars from Pillsbury

Pillsbury Soft Filled Cinnamon Toast Crunch Bars

Image via General Mills

What’s with General Mills and thermal activation? First we got the infamously inscrutable Toaster Strudel, essentially a high-maintenance Posh-Tart, and now a pair of Soft Filled Cereal Bars. Is the whole company a puppet operation run by a shadow council of Pillsbury Doughclerics, hellbent on igniting the world and ascending to the breaded plane?

Or am I just really lazy and hate waiting for the toaster when I could be eagerly and beaverly carving into a Pop-Tart?

Pillsbury Soft Filled Cocoa Puffs Bars

Image via General Mills

Despite my aversion to exertion, I’m excited to try Pillsbury’s latest “ovenable” cereal-pastry crossover. According to General Mills, both are a “Frozen soft bar filled with cinnamon [or chocolatey] Neufchatel cheese.” The prospect of turning my oven (or countertop, as they can be thawed to eat, though who would want to risk the inevitable accidental face-plant into it) into a fudgy or cinnamon bunny cheesecake factory has me cheesequaking in my desk chair.

It makes me wonder what other cheeses may have cereal crossover potential. Cream Cheese Bagel Toast Crunch? Cottage Cheese Pebbles? Come on, Big Cereal, you have to claim this untapped potential before Doritos does!

Review: Trader Joe’s Caramel Apple Flavored Granola

Trader Joe's Caramel Apple Granola Review

2018 has been weird. Here at the C.R.U.N.C.H. Tactical Headquarters (Cerealously Research Unified Network for Communications and Hijinks), there’s an eerie calm this Halloween season. As the big Monster Cereals anniversary coincides with Kellogg’s spoony decision to again throw down the gauntlet-shaped marbit, I at least expected to see some excitement. And yet most major news has centered on either the Festivus season or Pop-Tarts’ yeasty second rise to prominence.

So without much in the way of fresh Halloween bowls to plunder, my autumn-obsessed gaze turns to secondary flavors. Just like how Charlie Brown’s Christmas and Great Pumpkin escapades eclipse the rest of his oeuvre (I’ll always remember you, It’s Dental Flossophy, Charlie Brown), certain taste profiles are overshadowed by pumpkin spice’s ubiquity. But what’s a hayride at the pumpkin patch without cider and caramel apples? A new challenger approaches, and it has seriously rosy cheeks.

Trader Joe’s Caramel Apple Flavored Granola makes a bold promise. Cinnamon apple is one thing, but caramel? Joe may have gotten himself into a sticky situation. Reviews like this can result in quite a pun-undrum.

Yep, that just happened. Continue reading

Review: Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch (2018)

Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch Review Box

We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of a breakfast star.

Our dearly departed Cinnamon Star Crunch, who will remain in our hearts, minds, and stomach memories forever, lived a short life. Only on shelves for the 2016 holiday season, the tragically young crunchy cinnamon stars have now died a second death.

To paraphrase Banksy, who, like the palate-tearing stars, enjoys shredding things, “They say you’re discontinued twice. Once when you stop crunching and the second, a bit later on, when somebody mentions your limited edition existence for the last time.” 

You see, now that Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch, the ivory-sugared golden boy of holiday seasons 2015 & 2016, has returned to the delight of many, its deliciously

raw (yet processed) yuletide impact will likely wipe Cinnamon Star Crunch from our collective cultural memory. It’s up to we few remaining cereal historians to preserve the cereal’s name, and its sort of, well, uniquely, umm…it tasted like cinnamon, right?

Wait, what am I doing in this black suit and tie? I’ve got Sugar Cookie Toast Crunch to eat!  Continue reading

Spooned & Spotted: Cap’n Crunch’s Christmas Crunch (2018)

https://www.instagram.com/p/BpTCEAzgwlk/?taken-by=dadbodsnacks

I know Christmas-colored Cap’n Crunch cereal looks so tasty you could swallow a box in a single spoonful, but come on: cough it up.

No, not the cereal. And not you, dear reader, either. I’m talking to Quaker, Post, and the rest of the Elder Quartet of Cereal Corps.

They need to cough up a couple Xboxes, or at least some good tube socks (silky ones!), because if Big Cereal wants to keep bringing holiday season cereals into prime ‘stumin’ season—that’s costumin’ for the un-apostrophed time spenders out there—they better give me gifts all October long.

Seriously, is it that tough for Kellogg’s to fill my burlap autumn stockings with a gallon of grade-A E.L. Fudge filling?

Especially since Quaker seems to be continuing its streak of repeating the same Christmas Crunch art for multiple year cycles, as evidenced by this early box found by Dad Bod Snacks on Instagram.

Definitely more naughty than nice, this is the third year Cap’n Crunch’s iconic yuletide Crunch Berries variant—which really doesn’t taste any different—will be using the once amazing, but now slightly stale Christmas Vacation-style box art.

You’d think futzing with those lights for long enough would light a creative spark in the ol’ Cap’n.

So while I’ll have to hold out another year for the Elf and A Christmas Story Crunchological parodies I keep imagining—with Crunch Berries shaped like legs and syruped spaghetti—it’s good to know that if the early November blahs get to me, I can plunker down with the Cap’n and some eggnog and have a merry time.

Though it’d be merrier if the nog was spiked with elven sandwich cookie innards.

The Empty Bowl Episode 3: Soothing Graham Crackers

Tuesdays are tough. This is known.

Monday’s trickling fountainhead of leftover weekend euphoria has dribbled its last drop of libidinal residue, yet the hump day, the harbinger of home stretches, hasn’t even begun.

It’s a day that’s too long, too hopeless, and too…Tuesday. I know I’ve spent my fair share of workday 3pm hours aimlessly Googling Pottery Barn coupons and “Which Sailor Scout are You?” personality quizzes*, so I feel obligated to help others get through the week’s second-day slog.

And what better way to do that than by sharing Episode 3 of my and Justin McElroy’s break(fast)-out podcast, The Empty Bowl.

For the unenlightened (emphasis on the enlightenment), The Empty Bowl aims to bring calm and zen to your day by focusing on the meditative nature of everyone’s favorite** milked breakfast food.

The echoing clink of a struck bowl. The tranquil drip of an overflowing spoon. The delicate odyssey of a back-of-box word search. All are fair game on The Empty Bowl, and in this episode we bring a litany of cereal rumors (some recently demystified), a taste of Trix, and a few maxims about milk into our zinc-enriched zen zone.

I hope you enjoy, relax, and maybe pour yourself a bowl of something sweet—if you have a bowl of Waffle Crisp, savor it fondly and tenderly. We plan to be back with another episode in just a couple weeks’ time, so if you have any discussion ideas or questions you’d like to hear about, fling ’em to our inbox.

*I’m pretty Sailor Uranus, with a Saturnal twist.

**Unless you’re a big Carnation Breakfast Essentials fan, in which case, you may to purée our podcast before consuming.

News: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Churros, Cookies ‘n Creme Fillows, & XL Reese’s Puffs are Coming to Snack Pouches Near You!

Could this be the greatest cereal clapback since the birth of Malt-O-Meal and subsequent baggification of cheapened famous cereal formulas?

Let me explain: last month, Kellogg’s launched its redesigned Halloween cereals, the skeleton-marshmallowed Froot Loops, Apple Jacks, and Chocolate Frosted Flakes.

Call it hungry conspiracy-theorizing, but maltodextrin foil hat-wearers like me saw this as a potshot at General Mills’ recycled Monster Cereal theme, as the outfits and marshmallows of Kellogg’s creatively costumed characters directly mimicked GM’s full, albeit estranged, monster quintet.

While some were quick to dismiss this as another Cinnamon Toast ghost story, General Mills’ latest new product debut feels like more than a rebuttal to Tony’s trolling: it’s a brazen bombardment of breakfast counterintelligence.

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