Monthly Archives: September 2018

Spooned & Spotted: Chocolatey Winter Lucky Charms Cereal

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn0FoCeBnSj/?taken-by=jhome_market

What’s the regifting equivalent of that old grade school exchange? You know, the one that goes, “Hey, can I copy your homework?” “Okay but change it up a little so it’s not obvious.”

I’d imagine that a similar kind of yuletide tomfoolery would involve spray painting unwanted tube socks, or maybe deep frying a fruit cake.

Or, you know, something like Lucky Charms’ “new” cereal variety for Holiday 2018.

See, the reason the above image, discovered by @jhome_market on Instagram, looks about as uncannily familiar as an Orwellian news report is because last year General Mills released Cinnamon Vanilla Lucky Charms alongside the spellcheck-triggering redundancy of Hot Cocoa Cocoa Puffs. But this time, they’re evidently cutting their losses, cutting their creativity, and splicing 2017’s snowiest cereals together into one cereal that totally hasn’t been made before. Next thing we know, Big Lucky is going to tell us we’ve always been at war with Kellogg’s.

Last year’s supernova, elongated pacifier, and marshmallow-shaped marshmallows are returning too, again masquerading as snowflakes, snowballs, and snowpersons. A final unwelcome comeback is Chocolate Lucky Charms’ bizarre tradition of using corn instead of oat ingredients, a snowshoe-sized misstep that swaps Lucky Charms’ iconic density with something more hollow and starchy.

So apologies for my preemptive Grinchitude—I’m just not looking forward to not getting a Gingerbread Toast Crunch again this year. I’d even settle for Coal-coa Puffs. But until we know more about this December’s cereal lineup, I give my thanks to jhome_market for sharing (the cereal can be found at Walmart, so far). And if you see a new or interesting cereal, be sure to send it to our Submissions page for a chance to see it here.

Have a holly jolly leaf raking!

Introducing The Empty Bowl Podcast!

Is separating your Reese’s Puffs into a two-toned sepia yin yang not bringing you peace?

Do you find Raisin Bran Crunch ASMR compilations more terrifying than tranquil?

And have therapists dismissed your destructive desire to go cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs?

If so, there’s a solution for you! I’m proud to help debut The Empty Bowl podcast. Hosted by me and advice-guru turned cereal-yogi Justin McElroy (of My Brother, My Brother & Me fame), this is a meditative podcast about cereal, designed to help you focus on the sense of slowed-down zen that comes with a well-proportioned bowl of morning cereal.

From the first clink of cereal in the bowl to the last slurp of endmilk, eating cereal is a calming ritual, and The Empty Bowl’s news recaps, mini reviews, and exciting variety segments aim to fill it with a calming white noise (the dairy kind, of course).

In our maiden cereal voyage, Justin and I discuss Monster Cereals, Malt-O-Meal & Cold Stone Creamery’s recent Our Strawberry Blonde, and the curious case of Cherry Vanilla Cheerios—here’s the YouTube video from that segment, just to make sure you see it in your nightmares later:

The show is available on a multitude of platforms you can discover from our hub on Anchor—I look forward to sharing more episodes soon!

I’d love to hear your feedback on the show so far, and if you have segment recommendations, feel free to send them our way in the comments or on Twitter.

And thank you all for supporting this blog for so long that I’m able to do this—at this rate we’ll have Cerealously’s Cutthroat Pantry on the Food Network by 2020, and Cerealously 4D: The Interactive VR Digestive Journey at Epcot by 2022.

But until then, feel free to ditch the essential Cap’n Crunch oils and lend us your ears!

Spooned & Spotted: Trader Joe’s Hot Cocoa Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries

Screen Shot 2018-09-13 at 7.55.29 PM

(Image via ebay.com/usr/retiredin07)

Brrr.

Gotta act fast. Every word I type in this post brings winter a little closer. Tm t gt rd f vwls.

Okay, I’ll just get to the point: Trader Joe’s is boldly and coldly choosing to be among the first breakfast bringers to roll out some holiday offerings, brazenly stealing the spotlight from the pumpkin spice divas just meters away.

I sense a cat fight. Somebody call Tony!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BnrWBAQhGjV/?taken-by=theimpulsivebuy

Joe Kringle’s first gift is Hot Cocoa Organic Frosted Toaster Pastries. I was first clued in to its landing by The Impulsive Buy’s earlier post introducing the pastries to the broader world. Since my closest Trader Joe’s requires a brown-bagged lunch and at least one bathroom stop to make it roundtrip, I took to trolling the web for more details, images and thoughts on the decidedly loaferish pastries’ flavor.

That how’s I found an eBay listing for two boxes of the pastries, which I hope boast as much chocolate marshmallow taste as Pop-Tarts Chocomallow Sundae Pop-Tarts, and not as much eau de cardboard as Trader Joe’s cereal take on the pairing.

(Image via ebay.com/usr/retiredin07)

(Image via ebay.com/usr/retiredin07)

Why I thought this listing was especially interesting is because the two boxes are each half the size of the one posted on TIB. And the nutrition facts even list the entire package’s caloric contents, which is startling enough to give Hungry Man mashed & buttered goosebumps. Whether this is a sample box or a different release is unknown, but if you want to own a possible toaster pastry myth, be prepared to pay about $3 per chocolate-stuffed rectangle.

Could be worth it: who knows, maybe they’re wood-fired?

Review: Catalina Crunch Ditch Sugar – Dark Chocolate Artisan Cereal

Catalina Crunch Dark Chocolate Cereal Review Ditch Sugar

“Oh, cereal? That old fuddy-duddy?” I chuckle, as I sunbathe alarmingly bronzed and sunglassed before taking a swig of milk from a neon pink thermos, “For a hip, working fella like myself, only Diet Cereal will do. It’s sugar-free, and isn’t that just sweet?

As my smiling commercial fantasy fades out, I’m left with the lucidly real task of reviewing Catalina Crunch’s DITCH SUGAR (as it’s stylized) Dark Chocolate Artisan Cereal. This is tough, because this is not the kind of cereal I usually review here—sure, I’ve tackled healthy cereals, but no sugar? That’s like eating a hot dog bun with just ketchup. Full disclosure, I received this sample from Catalina Snacks, and I chose to review it fairly as a way to diversify my cereal coverage—and hopefully reach internationally soon.

I heard Italian cereal is that real good, deep-dish stuff.

But unlike Diet Coke and its artificial ilk, Catalina Crunch DITCH SUGAR (which I could tattoo on my knuckles) is non-calorically sweetened with plant-derived stevia, meaning this cereal is practically a vegetable. And along with the cocoa fruit? Hand me a dinner Pop-Tart, because I’m set, baby.

The cereal’s Golden Grahamic, ridged squares come in a shockingly small package. I’m not sure if it’s designed to be mixed in with yogurt or smoothies, but it hardly makes a modest bowl alone—unless I’m meant to load a magazine of them into my breakfast cannon and go off. So with careful portion control, I’ll try and make my taste test long enough to get a good read (gotta turn off the Kirby function first). Continue reading

Classic Review: Paw Patrol Kix – Honey & Berry Berry

General Mills Paw Patrol Honey Berry Berry Kix Cereal Review Box

Growing up, I never ate Kix.

Sure, I ate plenty of knuckle sandwiches, but thankfully my school bullies were usually too stout for their ham-thighed roundhouses to reach my molars.

Oh, and I never ate Kix cereal, either. Why? Because in a sea of colorful boxes and bug-eyed cartoon sirens staring down at me, it was hard to justify choosing…lightly flavored corn puffs for my weekly breakfasts—especially with the phonetically similar and superiorly fruit-shaped Trix just a hop, skip and a fist-pump away.

Now years later, the typically un-personified Kix brand is now fronted by Paw Patrol, a show apparently beloved by today’s young’ns. I don’t know what the show is about, so I’m just going to tell myself it involves a canine Village People cover band.

Thankfully, General Mills sent me a couple boxes of the stuff, in both Honey and Berry Berry. So while I wait for some of this and next year’s exciting cereals to arrive, I figured I’d do some dark timeline-traveling and relive the childhood I’m probably glad I never had. Continue reading

Rumor Mill: Three New Kellogg’s Cereals!

kelloggs-rumors

What do the three images above have in common?

Well, they’re all core ingredients in my new, patent-pending-a-restraining-order weight loss formula: Dumpy Dan’s morBID Your Pounds Goodbye Smoothie, which blends together 11 secret carbs and candies to help you lose weight by killing you instantly—thus slowing your metabolism! Best paired with exercise, do not try at home, work, or all.

Jokes aside, each iconic (or at least iconically squishy) food above is the flavorful star of Kellogg’s cereals rumored to be coming soon.

Based on tips from fellow snack food f(r)iends Junk Food Aisle and Candy Hunting, we’ve been able to confirm online grocery database listings for Banana Cream Frosted Flakes, Honey Nut Frosted Flakes, and a potential Peeps Cereal. Unfortunately, none have pictures, but the mental pictures they conjure are enough to leave my taste buds literally watering enough to figuratively fill a marshmallow-bedrocked lagoon.

The first is particularly exciting, because Banana Frosted Flakes have long been a cult favorite since Tony’s more straw-esome days. The second is also intriguing, because if any cereal has the potential to disrupt America’s comparatively wholesome, best-selling cereal, it’s sugar-smacked flakes of corn. After all, when’s the last time you saw a bee take down a tiger?

As for Peeps Cereal, we know very little—I would hope for more than a marshmallow-flavored marshmallow cereal, because ol’ Anthony T. Tiger has pretty much given us that already. Granted, we could be misinterpreting the rumors altogether, because the product’s listed name is “Kellogg’s Licensed Brands Cereal Peeps,” it might mean we’ll be getting Froot Loops and Smorz-flavored Peeps instead of the other way around.

But hey, maybe Kellogg’s is playing the long game, and they’ll just turn that into Froot Loop-flavored Peeps-flavored Cereal. Meta-licious!

Stay tuned to our blog and social media, where I’ll post any updates on this story as it develops. Thanks again to our tipsters—if you know anything more about any new cereals, hit up our Submissions page.

Guest Review: Hardee’s & Carls Jr. Froot Loops Mini Donuts

Hardee's & Carls Jr. Froot Loops Mini Donuts Review Cereal

There’s a billboard just down the road from my local Carl’s Jr. that posits “Love is great, but food never broke my heart.”

Lies! You see, Hardee’s (who moonlights as Carl’s Jr. due to a grill experiment gone deliciously awry) was my tribe’s preferred burger joint back in the ’90s, when everything was better, from radio to the base grain of certain eagerly-anticipated monster-themed cereals. Family trips to Hardee’s were highlighted by curly fries. Sure, other chains had them (you’re a champ for sticking with it, Arby’s!), but the perfect blend of peppery orange curls came from the only chain bold enough to combine Apollo 13 with POGs. Sadly, much like that gravity-bending collab, curly fries were lost to fast food lore when Carl’s Jr. married into the clan.

So (artificially) color me surprised that you’re-not-my-real-dad’s counter-service conservatism was repealed for a moment to make way for Froot Loops…donuts?! That’s right, just as Kellogg’s cereals are striking back against the General Mills Halloween empire, those neon-hued rebels are also coming for your throne, Little Debbie. And if the Wars taught us anything, it’s that you shouldn’t underestimate the power of small, bright green packages. Continue reading