Monthly Archives: September 2018

Rumor Mill: Hostess Honey Bun and Donette Powdered Sugar Mini Donuts Cereals are Coming Soon?

Could these be the two snack cake sages prophesied in the Snackronomicon? The pair of hybrid snack cake-cereals who would cast down the floodgates that prevent other delicious crossovers from overwhelming humanity’s taste buds (or so they say)? Could Hostess be ready to usher in a new cosmic turn around the great Big Wheel of Life?

My snack cake mythology may be as dusty as a pair of bottom shelf gas station Sno-Balls, but I’m nevertheless whipped into a Fruit Pie-ous frenzy by the cereal rumor mill’s latest harvest: product listings for not one, but two cereals from America’s most iconic snack cake brand. Hostess Honey Bun Cereal and Hostess Donette Powdered Sugar Mini Donut Cereal both exist in a reputable space, but unfortunately without any photo ID just yet.

Not wanting to stop there, I sought further confirmation that this unlikely duo was actually coming. After all, choosing Honey Buns and Donettes over Hostess’ cornerstone cakes—Twinkies and Cupcakes would be the logical creamy candidates—seems a bit strange. However, I could also understand the difficulty of either translating Twinkies’ nuanced flavor into a cereal or trying to make yet another chocolate marshmallow cereal exciting. But despite any early trepidation—I don’t want another Freedom Crunch on my hands—I’m a bit more confident about these cereals’ legitimacy after stumbling upon…this.

(Image via HoorayforHostess.com)

Yep, a prototype web game featuring a “Hooray for Hostess Cereal!” tag and a minimalist Asteroids rip-off about a cereal bowl fighting ghoulishly gaping Donette debris. The site was privately registered three months ago, giving credence to a corporate origin rather than some avant-garde game developer who trolls cereal information for design inspiration.

Unfortunately that’s all I know about these possible Hostess Cereals. If you find out any other news, I humbly invite you to share. But for now, I’m gonna use this post to convince Little Debbie to pull the trigger on Cosmic Brownie Pop-Tarts.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. 2 Comments

Sep. ’18

Review: Trix Toaster Strudel – Fruitalicious Berry!

The Trix Rabbit had fallen on hard times. He’d spent so much of his prime working years chasing manipulative and seemingly ingenious children, just to get stymied at every turn—and all for a taste of the cereal that bears his visage. He worked so hard to craft and hawk those fruity spheres, but now his dream had become…silly.

It wasn’t until he encountered a pint-sized bruiser made entirely of corporeally contained dough that his luck began to turn. The Doughboy convinced the Rabbit that he didn’t need to seek a fruity breakfast: he could become one. All he would need to do is agree to an experimental black market procedure: the first ever Strudelectomy.

The Rabbit was all ears. With nowhere else to turn, he agreed to merge consciousnesses with a Fruitalicious Berry Toaster Strudel (they spent more money on the surgery than the name), and now his frosted face grins with atomic coral glee, forever.

Or at least until a blogger gets ahold of him. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Leave a comment

Sep. ’18

Review: Maple Cheerios Cereal (2018 American Edition!)

Some flavors just stick.

S’Mores, brownie batter, caramel: all slightly unconventional flavors that, despite not being a honey nut, chocolate, or strawberry, always seem to find their way back into the breakfast aisle—and some how under our nails, in our hair, and even binding together electronics as a haphazard tape replacement.

What, you didn’t know toasted marshmallow was a great conductor?

In all seriousness, this class of adhesive alumni are led by their viscous valedictorian: maple syrup. A popular arboreal elixir in Vermont and Vancouver alike, maple is such a sticky flavor that Maple Cheerios, released last year as an allegedly Canada-exclusive cereal to celebrate the country’s 150th birthday (that’s a lot of pancake candles), has arrived in the U.S.

Must’ve stuck to the bottom of a border-crossing General Mills truck, hence the spilled-syrup maple leaf—I can only assume this is a government-issued Canadian seal of approval, like how America’s exported cereals must get ranch & mayonnaise stars & stripes. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, cheerios, general mills, maple. 9 Comments

Sep. ’18

Review: Cinnamon Toast Crunch Toaster Strudel – Cinnamania!

Uh, yes, General Mills customer service hotline? Yes, I’d like to file a serious complaint of the geometrically misleading nature.

See, your popular breakfast cereal product “Cinnamon Toast Crunch,” with its cinnamon-swirled, famously see-able taste, frequently tells me in its commercials—featuring cannibalistic cereal creatures who send a bad message about disrupting the food chain, but that’s a different phone call—to “Crave those Crazy Squares.”

Yet, the cereal’s newest crossover product, Cinnamon Toast Crunch Toaster Strudel, lacks the proper equilateral dimensions to qualify as a square. At best, they’re rectangular prisms, but even that forces me to uncomfortably suspend my knowledge of high school mathematics in order to enjoy this product.

Not that this is the first time you’ve spurned Cinnamon Toast Crunch’s signature shape, but after this egregious misstep, I must request that you atone for your mistake by changing the trademarked slogan to either “Reach toward those Rascally Rectangles” or “Quest for those Quirky Quadrilaterals.”

I’ll forgive your twice-toasted error for now—at least until breakfast is over—but just know one thing: your obtuse disregard for geometry has been acutely noted. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cinnamon, general mills, toast crunch, toaster strudel. 2 Comments

Sep. ’18

News: Pop-Tarts Bites are Coming Soon!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn_pYkZldrR/?taken-by=candyhunting

(Update: We reviewed both flavors!)

In the year 20 C.G.E (Crazy Good Era), humans can enjoy a Pop-Tart whenever they want, however they want.

Unlike the clunky “into face” interface of the iTart and the borderline septic seepage of Pop-Tarts’ “Pop-Up Fuel Nozzlez,” current Pop-Tarchitecture is able to seamless transmit Pop-Tarts flavor activators right to the taste buds via uvular implant. So with the push of a button, we can—and do, all day long in fact—taste Crazy Good molecules!

It’s a bleak future, I know, but at Kellogg’s current rate of developments in Pop-Tart portability, we’ll all be wearing Pop-Tart Duel Disks by New Year’s. Just weeks ago, we learned of the impending return of Pop-Tarts Cereal (née Crunch), and now serial snack journalist Candy Hunting brings news of Pop-Tarts Bites, which appears to be a bionically reassembled hybrid of Kellogg’s other three up-til-now-discontinued horseman of Pop-Tarts convenience: 2002’s snub Snak-Stix, 2006’s hot dog-sized Go-Tarts and 2011’s cracker-esque Mini Crisps.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn6fkXfncZA/?hl=en&taken-by=thejunkfoodaisle

I’m not at all upset about this reintroduction, which Candy Hunting along with The Junk Food Aisle assert will return in both Strawberry and Brown Sugar Cinnamon (it seems fan favorite S’Mores is toast again), because I have a long history of fangoriously devouring gelatinous pastries—especially in multiple quadrilateral dimensions. But when we see these hit shelves, likely in early 2019 alongside its mother-flagship cereal, don’t be surprised if the prize in side is a sweepstakes to “explore” the Pop-Tarts Innovation Laboratory.

But hey, maybe you’ll get to try a cryogenically frozen Pop-Tart. I hear that’s the coolest way. Thanks again to our Insta-friends for their discoveries!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. 4 Comments

Sep. ’18

News: Reese’s Puffs Hearts are Coming for Valentine’s Day!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bn4l0xtnPkJ/?taken-by=markie_devo

Oof, there are so many emojis available to express my reaction to Reese’s Puffs Hearts, the latest in the brand’s series of “same flavor, different surface area” varieties. I need to choose my pixelated emotions carefully.

The twinkling euphoria of 💖 definitely feels right, but so does the transcendent multiplicity of 💕 and 💞. ❣️ and 💝 are too forward. And 💘? What is this, a Kindergarten Valentine’s card exchange?

No, for news this delicious, I have to choose something universally accessible, whether it’s on an iPhone XS or a Jitterbug XL. <3 is overdone, so I’ll go with this:

Shoutout to Cerealously’s frequently contributing pal @markie_devo for his discovery of what may just be the first major Valentine’s Day Cereal—though not the first ever. I hope this paves the way for more hearty cereals, perhaps even one that’s flavored for the Hallmark holiday. Perhaps a Box of Chocolates Cereal, where every other bite is mint or coconut?

Or maybe…hear me out on this one: Envelope Glue Loops. Gotta lick ’em all!

As Markie says, we can expect to these hearts pumped out to shelves in early 2019. Until then, feel free to show our Submissions page some love if you see a new cereal of your own!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. 4 Comments

Sep. ’18

Review: FunkO’s Cereal – Cuphead Don’t Deal with the Devil!

“Well, Cuphead and his pal Mugman
They like a sugared munch…
By chance they came ‘pon Devil’s Crunch
And gosh, they paid a price!
A slightly lower price…
And now they’re noshing for their lives
In a breakfast dyed with dread…
And if they eat, but face defeat…
Well…
The Devil will leave their palates shredded!”

I’ve been putting off trying Funko Pop’s self-populating ecosystem of pop culture FunkO’s Cereals, mostly due to the cartoon eye-popping prices charged by each flavor’s exclusive home store—a common trend amongst premium tie-in cereals, even those that don’t include prizes.

Now preparing for its third series of Tony-Hawk-Pro Skater-cheat-code-headed character cereals, Funko has chosen a litany of increasingly obscure locales, from Hot Topic to Books-a-Million, to up the scavenger hunt-esque collector’s potential—and most of them, like FYE, prefer to charge around $12 a box for the toy-stuffed treats.

I resisted the urge to go on a golden goose-priced wild goose chase, and instead succumbed to a different type of temptation: that of Cuphead’s GameStop-exclusive Don’t Deal with the Devil Cereal, for just $8.

Now that’s a great de…uh, bargain! I mean bargain! Please don’t let this cereal become soul food. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. Tags: 6 rating, trix. 4 Comments

Sep. ’18

Review: Buffalo Wild Wings & Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Blender!

We already know that human sports exist within the cereal world: Wheaties is practically an in-universe ESPN, Tony the Tiger coaches little league, and Cap’n Crunch has played in so many games that a human man of his age would have retired with soggy joints years ago.

But this past year or so of cereal–restaurant tie-ins suggests that our beloved cereal mascots, many of whom are older than us, have turned to a new form of friendly competition—one that avoids lost teeth and crunched bones. The bowling of the cereal world, this is a sport ironically played in a cup:

Milkshake Mixology!

Yes, Buffalo Wild Wings & Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Blender is, by my count, the ninth major cereal milkshake to debut in recent memory. And while the Cap’n may be wearing palate guards now, my slightly lactose-intolerant stomach has tried them all.

But will B-Dubs and C-Crunch’s drinkable dessert be an ace serve against Burger King’s incredible shake trio? Or will it post up next to Steak ‘n’ Shake’s milquetoast quintology of bench-warming waterboys?

There’s only one way to find out, and it involves going somewhere I never go without the supervision of an overbearingly athletic family member who will doubtlessly inquire deeply about my collective one year of Kindergarten soccer experience.

(I almost got kicked off the team for trying to tickle other kids too much. True story.)

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cap'n crunch, milkshake, quaker. 4 Comments