Monthly Archives: August 2018

Mini Review: Reese’s Puffs Bats Cereal

Holy early Autumn, Bartman! Just yesterday I was fending off the Sprites of Summer with honeysuckle and incense, and now you’re telling me the Bats of Fall are already echolocally a-knockin’?

Well forget the onion bread we have in the oven: it’s garlic season.

But not until after a brief detour through Dog-Day Eager Beaver season. See, the likes of Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, and now the constituents of some Count Choco-Peanut Buttula love to release their annual signature cereals before the dog days have finished yipping. While this is great for Halloween cereal lovers, it’s admittedly a bit sad when I overeagerly and unrestrainedly review them all before mid-September and I’m left writing about the trigonometry of Frute Brute’s incisors by 10/31.

So while I’m admitting I have a problem, instead of doing anything about it I’ll just pretend I’m eating Reese’s Puffs Sideways TIE Fighters. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, chocolate, general mills, halloween, peanut butter, reese's puffs. 1 Comment

Aug. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Monster Cereal 3-pack!

Kids nowadays have it so easy.

See, back in my day, we had to drive uphill both ways to Walmart, just to find Count Chocula. Then it was a grueling 5-mile crabwalk across gravel to snag Franken Berry at Target, before an interstate-length hot coal walk just to be told by my local Walgreens that Boo Berry is only available at some Cracker Barrel gift shop in the middle of a volcano.

So yes, I may be exaggerating a little, and General Mills’ new Monster Cereal bundle—found by Snack Stalker (thanks for sharing!) at Sam’s Club—may be convenient, but if my mom brought home a box set trilogy of breakfast’s finest freaks of nature, I’d be a little disappointed about losing the thrill of the hunt.

After all, chalky marshmallows taste so much better with sweat and elbow grease as their milk.

But I suppose if you want a fisticuff-worthy grab bag gift or seasonally appropriate doorstop, you can’t really go wrong with buying your breakfast boogeymen in bulk.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: boo berry, count chocula, franken berry, general mills, halloween, monster cereals. 2 Comments

Aug. ’18

Review: Kellogg’s Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes

What does late-stage pumpkin mania look like?

Yeah, yeah: I’m not suggesting that this country’s obsession with autumnal seasoning is going to be squashed out any time soon—I’ve made that mistake for about three consecutive years now. But I am saying that we are approaching an absurdity threshold, where even illogical products are being consecrated by this harvested incense.

And the breakfast aisle is no exception. On the surface, Frosted Flakes is a cereal dominated by tame flavors like chocolate and cinnamon—other cereals like this include Golden Grahams and Corn Pops—but it’s trying out this whole pumpkin spice thing with the timeliness of my grandpa doing the Harlem Shake. Plus on the back is a decked-out Halloween music festival called “Tony’s Pumpkin Up the Jams Fest.” Which is honestly a pretty unforgivable pun…

…that I wish I had thought of first.

Taking hipness out of the equation, I must still evaluate Pumpkin Spice Frosted Flakes with the unbiasedly refined palate of a cereal journalist. Or of Einstein’s dog, I guess. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, frosted flakes, kellogg's, pumpkin spice. 3 Comments

Aug. ’18

Review: Strawberry Life Cereal

Believe me, the strawberry life is a tough one to live.

I would know: I’ve tried it. Always being the sweetest and most loved in the room? It’s not a proud path to follow, but you hand out enough free gum and anyone can be the most loved kid in 5th grade American History class. And having to hang out with Franken Berry? Respect to his legacy, but as a conversationalist, he’s a bit of a dolt—or at least a pain in the neck.

I did like wearing pastel pink though.

That’s all to say that Quaker’s new Strawberry Life cereal faces a questionable judge in this review. I found that there have been very few fruity Life Cereals (Pumpkin Spice doesn’t count!), and perhaps for good reason: I typically associate Life’s multigrain biscuits with richer flavors, so a fruit-filled flavor like strawberry will have to pull some real flavor sorcery to realign my expectation of what a Mikey-approved cereal can be.

Let’s see how much of the strawberry life this can restore to my currently bananas existence. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 5 rating, life, quaker, strawberry. 1 Comment

Aug. ’18

News: Pop-Tarts Cereal Will Return in Early 2019!

Photo via Kellogg’s

(Update: We reviewed both flavors!)

You ever hear news so good, it gets you feeling a little warm?

But not like, the bad, sweaty, smelly kind. Or the hauntingly feverish kind either. More like the cozily grill-lined, hot & toasty feeling of a warm blanket, or perhaps a toaster set to massage mode.

That’s how I felt when receiving visual confirmation that Pop-Tarts Crunch, a cereal thought to be lost by the technicolor dawn of Y2K and then unsuccessfully rebooted around 2013, will be returning to shelves on just as the year 20-ea-ting ends.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: cinnamon, pop-tarts, strawberry. 8 Comments

Aug. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Unicorn Power Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts!

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmlc3VnhRCr/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=dkbxzjgf7acg

Some cryptids have all the fun.

Unicorns get everything from cereal and Frappuccinos to bath bombs and top-tier piñatas, while Bigfoot and Nessie bat clean-up witha solid cult following and a great Napoleon Dynamite cameo.

Yet I’ve never once seen a Mothman Cereal–let alone Chupacabra Frappuccinos. That’s what makes @junkfoodgoat‘s discovery of new Unicorn Power Frosted Cherry Pop-Tarts at Sam’s Club all the more bittersweet. Because while I can’t wait to munch into some Lisa Frank-style toaster pastries, I wish there was at least a Michigan Dog Man Toaster Strudel to compete with.

Sadly, the Pop-Tarts do appear to be only Cherry flavored, as opposed to Kellogg’s “Magical Cupcake” cereal that appears to bear nearly the same unicorn design.

Maybe the scarlet cherry filling is actually immortal blood?

Thanks again to Junk Food Goat for sharing. Apparently this variety will also be out in smaller boxes as “Sparkle-licious Cherry.” Once I do find a box of my own, I’ll be sure to dunk them in Red Bull to make Pegasus Pop-Tarts.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: kellogg's, pop-tarts, unicorn. 2 Comments

Aug. ’18

Review: Nature’s Path Golden Turmeric Cereal

I only know three things about turmeric:

1. It reminds me of elementary school (and two days ago) Neopets favorite Turmac Roll.

2. It’s in a lot of hip dishes that a man of my economic stature has no business even observing through any organ from the sinuses down.

3. My mom once bought a full bottle of it, and after realizing she didn’t know what to do with it, left it to hibernate for years behind the expired taco seasoning packets, like an auburn hermit.

And I guess I also know that Nature’s Path’s Golden Turmeric cereal is the first cereal of its kind. Combining thick, Tostitos Scoops-shaped flakes with turmeric, honey, cinnamon, and flakes of coconut, this smorgasbord of snappy spice promises to educate my palate like a benevolent Gordon Ramsay fresh out of the convent.

So without further ado, let’s see whether sugar, spice, and everything nice play nice here.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 2 rating, cinnamon, honey, nature's path. 13 Comments

Aug. ’18

Insta-Review: Weird Beard Candle Company Saturday Morning Cartoons Air Fresheners

https://www.instagram.com/p/Bmb5TnInkQc/?utm_source=ig_share_sheet&igshid=pe306vrpbk91

Sometimes I get more new products than my only-human schedule can handle. As much as I wish slingin’ snappy cereal soliloquies could be my full-time job, there aren’t always enough hours of the day to spew 600+ words about why a brick of shredded wheat reminds me of summer camp.

In those events, I’m happy to still say a few words on social media and amplify it here. Such is the case with Weird Beard Candle Company’s Saturday Morning Cartoons I & II air fresheners.

Peep the post embedded above for my thoughts, but suffice to say I liked these a lot more than the last cereal air freshener I got. While that spicy square is still spurting powderized fire inside my glove compartment, WBCC’s Froot Loops-themed nose flavor is keeping my nostrils youthful through every roundabout, while the sniffable Cap’n variety is keeping my kitchen whimsical.

I look forward to seeing how its odor interacts with a simmering pot roast’s. Thanks again to Weird Beard Candle Company!

The Bottom Line (I): 8 sedan-driving toucans out of 10

The Bottom Line (II): 8.5 Crunchatized timeshares out of 10

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. 1 Comment