Monthly Archives: July 2018

News: Teddy Grahams Cereal is Coming Soon!

https://www.instagram.com/p/BlAK8ygH3a6/

This is a big one, people.

While it may be no surprise that Post is adding Teddy Grahams to its growing ~~gauntlet~~ roster of ~~infinity~~ cookie cereals, for someone who loves Teddy Grahams—and its long-gone Breakfast Bears breakfast cereal—as much as me, this is an era-defining ordeal.

I mean, between the number of times I’ve referenced the snack on this website and the fact that I still own a full set of Beanie Grahams (my word, not theirs), it’s more surprising that I’m not still passed out from this news.

This euphoria-laden scoop comes courtesy of markie_devo on Instagram. His leaked photo might be as grainy as it is whole grainy, but from it we can still see three things for certain:

A) It still features the horrific new Teddy Grahams mascot, who looks roughly like the “Before” picture in a Five Nights at Freddy’s infomercial.

B) It has a Cinnamon flavor call out, hopefully suggesting the possibility of future varieties (praying for Chocolate Chip).

C) It is made up of Teddy heads, instead of the iconic full bear bodies, though Markie does note some early speculation on what the final shape would be. Honestly, I’m hoping for a single, life-sized bear piece each breakfaster must devour progresively, like a sculptor chiseling marble.

While there’s no word on a release date yet, it’s fair to say that I’ll be prepping each of my Beanie Grahams to gain sentience and check a different store like plush drones once this cereal is spotted in the wild.

Now who do I talk to about getting a Dizzy Grizzlies Cereal?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: news. post. 2 Comments

Jul. ’18

Review: Kashi by Kids Cereals – Honey Cinnamon & Berry Crumble

Children are powerful.

They have the power of mind control, just by releasing water from their eyes. They have the thermal potential to make an ice cream cone drip all over the place, just by looking at it. And they have the power to turn an entire car around, just by doing those first two things.

I know this power because I wielded it so many years ago. Although in my case, instead of drippy ice cream it was dropping an entire pizza slice crust side up onto my mother’s plush car floor mat. I think tomato plants have since grown from the stained point of impact.

Case in point, I’m not surprised Kashi harnessed the imagination potential of real kids to design their two newest healthy cereals: Honey Cinnamon and Berry Crumble. Given Kashi’s tendency toward piece homogeneity, I was surprised to see that each cereal contains two totally different cereal players: a flavor-stuffed pillow is unique to both, but Honey Cinnamon boasts tiny cinnamon snail shells, while Berry Crumble boasts indigo orbs.

Of course, it does take childlike whimsy to break corporate sameness, so if a little youthful thinking is what it would take to get, say, a Choco Taco shaped/flavored breakfast product, then I’m all for seeing Kellogg’s pick the developing brains of more cereal prodigies.

Tony the Tiger could play Kindergarten Cop, right?

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, berry, cinnamon, honey, kashi. 1 Comment

Jul. ’18

Review: Great Value Frosted Mystery Toaster Pastries

You ever have that one kid at your school who was really weird back in the day but is now doing super cool stuff?

You know, the kid who would eat paste like pasta sauce in elementary school, hiss at kids in the hallway in middle school, and insist on being called “Chuck” in high school, even though his name was like, Roger? The kid who would eventually grow up to make crazy science stuff, or build bridges? Or at least build cool LEGO dioramas in his basement?

Haha, I know you all had a kid like that, but there definitely wasn’t one in my school. Ahah, why is everyone looking at me.

Long autobiography short, Great Value is like that kid. I’ve never once had a Great Value Toaster Pastry—I always preferred Kroger’s store brand because of its crudely adorable Toaster Treats mascot—but seeing them release a mystery flavor, before even Pop-Tarts or Toaster Strudel (who knows, Toaster Treat might be brewing up a fan-elected flavor)

Great Value just turned its bargain rectangle reputation into one that’s handsome and enigmatic. Could it be an appropriately Walmart flavor, like Fruit Punch Pickles? Could it be a Dum-Dum-style production error (like Fruit Punch Pickles)? Or could it be the flavor of a Walmart floor itself?

Only the unseen foiled abyss knows the answer. I’m going in. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, pop-tarts. 6 Comments

Jul. ’18

Cerealously Turns 3!

I’m getting old.

3. That’s like, 29 in blog years. I’m not ready to be outgrowing trendy latte bars!

But I realize the hypothetical age of this blog is entropically ambiguous, as I equally praise both the sugary innocence of Lucky Charms and the hearty sensibility of Raisin Bran, so let’s just agree that 3 is probably too old to be making extensive fanfare. That’s why I won’t be doing a quantitative analysis of score distribution this year—in blog years, that was decades ago! Numbers are a young man’s game!

But I will still say thank you to everyone who continues to read this site, and greetings to those who recently stumbled upon it and decided to stick around. I hope you like Simpsons references and six-adjective sentences. I mean it when I say your support inspires me to keep writing/crunching/munching/spooning.

In celebration I made this tiny cereal treat. It’s made from Kellogg’s recently released Birthday Cake Rice Krispies (read the review and see my other birthday cake product reviews here), and it sure isn’t Gordon Ramsay, but it’s better than a Gordon Food Service dumpster.

Here’s the recipe for all you Pinteresters out there.

1) Fashion one (1) Kellogg’s Birthday Cake Rice Krispies Treat into a roughly sprinkled pizza slice using a pizza cutter, knife, or spool of hot wire.

2) Feed the trimmin’s to your nearest Furby (or humans if you’re desperate).

3) Microwave a bundle (approximately two bunches of white chocolate chips (the chipperer the better: this is a birthday party!) for 64 seconds (give or take 32 seconds. you know how chocolate chips are).

4) Using a spool of hot wire (if you haven’t completed your hot wire certification, use a knife instead), spread the gooey white chocolate bog across the Rice Krispizza in a dolloped, classically Little Caesarian pattern.

5) Repeat Step 1, being sure to keep the A/C on (bogs bubble when warmed!).

6) Plant brick #2 on top brick #1.

7) Attempt and fail to PhotoShop out all the sticky bits.

Serve on marble and have a happy C3realously Day!

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cerealously. 6 Comments

Jul. ’18

Spooned & Spotted: Cap’n Crunch with 3x Bigger Berries!

Happy Independence Day, everyone! I hope you’re ready to celebrate independence from your pants size, or at least with this news of XXXL Crunch Berries, independence from unscathed palates.

This truly gasp-inducing (how else will you fit them in your mouth?) news, shared by @theghostinyoumusic on Instagram, didn’t actually take me totally by surprise. Those who remember reading about my leak of Captain Crunch’s Beach Bash will recall that I also under the trademark for Captain Crunch’s Mega Crunch.

I had no idea what it was at the time—truth be told I was hoping it was something a little cooler than giant Peanut Butter Crunch and Crunch Berries—but I guess this is more ergonomically consumed than the giant, meteoric cinder block of solid Crunch Berry I was imagining.

As you can see from The Ghost in You’s other photo, these jumbo Berries truly are powerful orbs worthy of an RPG fetch quest. And alongside news that Frosted Flakes with Marshmallows is adding 50% more marshmallows, I think this is the most fitting pair of cereal news headlines that could come out of a holiday dedicated to eating enough hot dogs that you ralph just upstream of the family pool.

Happy 4th, y’all! Get an extra Cap’n Slurpee for me.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Specials. Tags: cap'n crunch, spooned & spotted. 2 Comments

Jul. ’18

News: FunkO’s Cereal Series 1 is Ready to Launch!

Move over, Snap & Crackle, because there’s a new Pop in the breakfast aisle.

Well, kind of: Funko—the maker of those swollen-skulled pop culture figurines you’ve probably seen on your geeky friend’s mantel or on a purgatorial Toys ‘R Us shelf—is finally releasing its first line of collectors cereals, but only in special stores.

So unfortunately, we won’t be seeing a plastic-fortified Freddy vs. Jason vs. Tony the Tiger sequel in any major grocery stores. But tigers do have to sleep eventually…

Back on topic, the first run of FunkO’s cereals has changed drastically since the sneak peek we saw over three months ago now. Elvira has yet to make her bloody elegant debut, and Cuphead and Mugman are fronting the run & gun game’s cereal instead of The Devil. But as Funko is quick to point out, more cereals will be rolling out before year’s end to join the aforementioned beverage receptacles, Freddy Funko, Gollum, Mega Man, Freddy, & Jason:

“A second wave of FunkO’s hits limited stores in August. Pennywise will be available at Hot Topic, Huckleberry Hound at Funko, Batman and Batgirl at Entertainment Earth, Beetlejuice at Box Lunch, and Cthulhu at BAM!” (Source: Polygon)

With potential as big as Funko’s ∞-ly long product catalogue, here’s hoping we get cereals for every Pokémon, Sailor Scout, & Power Ranger, so we at least have a full cereal army before Thanos inevitably gets his own box. Maybe then we can get a 50% off sale?”

Speaking of which, at $7.99 according to the first news, the cereals don’t come cheap—not just because they each turn your milk a different color (mmm, high-calcium blood!), but because they have miniature Funko Pops inside—and some of the first series of FunkO’s are store exclusive. As the official release states:

“In July, Mega Man FunkO’s will be available at GameStop, Cuphead & Mugman FunkO’s will be available at Hot Topic, Freddy FunkO’s will be available through Funko, Nightmare On Elm Street’s Freddy Krueger FunkO’s and Friday the 13th’s Jason FunkO’s will be available at FYE, and The Lord of the Rings FunkO’s featuring Gollum will be available at BoxLunch. Additional cereals will continue to be added throughout the year for your snacking pleasure.”

Since there’s no word on the flavor varying from cereal to cereal, I’ll probably only pick up a couple—those big-nosed coffee boys are calling my name. Who are you most interested in?

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News. Tags: news. 1 Comment

Jul. ’18

Review: 7-Eleven Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Slurpee

There are certain events in the cereal world that take on a great historic significance. Events that I end up referencing constantly in future reviews, party conversations, and poorly thought out wedding toasts.

In recent memory, a few spring to mind: the one-year resurrection of Frute Brute & Yummy Mummy monster cereals, the permanent revival of ’90s classics French Toast Crunch & Oreo O’s, and the documentary-worthy fall/rise of Tiny Toast & Honeycomb.

These events will no-doubt earn diagrams, if not call-out boxes in any future cereal history book. And after trying 7-Eleven’s infinitely hype-able Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch Berries Slurpee, I’m convinced it deserves its own chapter, one worth driving all the way out to the only 7-Eleven in West Michigan to be a part of. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 10 rating, cap'n crunch, non cereal. 4 Comments