Monthly Archives: June 2018

Review: Vanilla Latte Frosted Mini-Wheats

I don’t know which age gap is bigger here: the one between the elderly countenance of fibrous shredded wheat and the inherent hip and/or intellectual youthfulness of a vanilla latte, or the quantum leap between that same vanilla latte and the disturbingly clownish/juvenile bootleg SpongeBob face of Frosted Mini-Wheats’ new(ish) mascot design.

Most know by now, but I have negative fondness for him. I believe his parents were a normal Frosted Mini-Wheat and a blob of radioactive sewage.

All Geiger counters in my Amazon cart aside, I’m excited to try the non-buffoonishly anthropomorphized Vanilla Latte Frosted Mini-Wheats that lie inside, perhaps in a steam of powdered sugar.

Because Kellogg’s is one for one on Vanilla Latte sweets, meaning if they knock this out of the park, Chocolate Mocha Mini-Wheats can’t be far behind.

Let’s hasten history!

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 7 rating, coffee, kelloggs, mini-wheats. 9 Comments

Jun. ’18

Cereal News Round Up!

It’s been a crazy couple of days for cereal—or at least, products that aren’t primarily cereal.

The chaos broke in appropriately outlandish form, with a photo of 7-11’s new Cap’n Crunch Berry Slurpee hitting Instagram thanks to @junkfoodduo. Now while my first reaction is an only-human revulsion, I remembered that if Cheetos can release a cinnamon sugar corn puff iced beverage I enjoyed, then perhaps the Cap’n can too.

I imagine it has something to do with churned cream corn?

Now before I roadtrip to the nearest 7-11 like a grog-deprived pirate, there are more chilled cereal crossovers to see.

Like a new Cocoa Puff bedazzled frozen yogurt from 16Handles, news courtesy of @markie_devo. I have no idea how wide this chain serves, but I just like the sight of a Cocoa Puff-bearded froyo that manages to come closer than any before to stealing my name.

Finally, @candyhunting discovered Toaster Strudel’s plan to release toastable little rectangles diorama’d with Cinnamon Toast Crunch or Trix.

I’m really surprised the first cereal x toaster pastry hybrid didn’t come from the typically-more-experimental family of Pop-Tarts. But I’m even more surprised that this suggests Cinnamon Toast Crunch may be on an unstoppable chain of delicious guest roles, with a Mickey Mouse-esque aura that may permeate even weirder pumpkin spice-esque areas some day.

Could we see Cinnamon Toast Crunch cat litter?

All in all, this is a terrific chain of events that we can expect to enjoy soon—though with the rate that new cereal products are being released this year, I may be doggy paddling to my fridge through crunchy rings by September.

Posted by dan g.. Categories: News, Uncategorized. Tags: cap'n crunch, cocoa puffs, toast crunch. 1 Comment

Jun. ’18

Review: Cheerios Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cereal

Which cereals go to the gym?

It’s becoming easier to tell. Previously, it was clear that the burly likes of Raisin Bran and Grape Nuts totally work out—and that Wheat on the bench press? Totally Shredded—while Tony the Tiger’s protein-deprived Frosted Flakes definitely skip leg day.

But other classic cereals? Unclear. But with the release of Cheerios’ new Cinnamon Oat Crunch cereal, we know original Cheerios must be wimpy as a honey-soaked pool noodle, because these oat-specked rings are true cereal alpha grains.

Evoking the appearance of both Cheerios Protein and Honey (née Graham) Oh’s, Cinnamon Oat Crunch Cheerios trade muscly protein for stomach-rumbling fiber, with some remaining from the scaly layer of oat shard coating each like wholesome armor.

I’ve heard good things leading up to this review, so I’m ready to go toe-to-toe in the ring (my bowl) with this no pain, no grain gym rat.

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, cheerios, cinnamon, general mills. 15 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Chocolatey Salted Caramel Pop-Tarts (Walmart Exclusive Flavor!)

Just as sure as there will be fads in fashion, from Crocs & bedazzled jeans to high-water pants and bedazzled Crocs, there will be fads in food that was and wane with the years and seasons.

But while most taste trends wear themselves out—pumpkin spice, sriracha, maple bacon, and the ’70s’ aspic-encapsulated everything spring to mind—salted caramel is one of few (hi, avocado) recent buzz-powered foodstuffs that actually stands the taste of time.

Which is why I’m glad Walmart and Kellogg’s decided to not release jellied Aspic Pop-Tarts and instead gave us Chocolatey Salted Caramel, a sodium-supplemented upgrade to plain ol’ Chocolatey Caramel, who now appears in my memory like a fragile Squirtle to this NaC(arame)l Blastoise.

So while I’m encouraged by the premise, there’s only one way to know how good these are. And friends, it doesn’t involve a peppermill. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 8 rating, caramel, chocolate, pop-tarts. 4 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Dippin’ Dots Cookies ‘n Cream Cereal

The world of bootleg sandwich cookies is well documented, even here on this blog, as I mocked Creme Betweens for being the kind of Oreo wannabe whose name you couldn’t even say aloud in middle school without getting a crowd of giggles and a detention.

But just as expansive is the world of cookies ‘n’ cream-flavored snacks that never secured the Oreo license, so they must instead annoy me not one but twofold as I return to the pantry to check whether the box spells it Cookies and/&/’n’/’n Cream/Creme/Crème.

Just as annoying is how rarely these Oreish snacks get the flavor right. With the exception of Pop-Tarts, most miss the mark on replicating Nabisco’s (literally) well-oiled sandwich cookie machine.

I first had high hopes for General Mills and Dippin’ Dots’ cerealized attempt at the flavor, but after the strangely balanced misstep of Banana Split Dippin’ Dots Cereal, I’m ready to enter this review with a dose of apprehension deeper than my Oreo milk glass.

It’s dunk or die, folks. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. 7 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Golden Oreo O’s Cereal

Everyone’s got that one friend. The one who, regardless of whether it’s a Chuck E. Cheese, a fancy Italian restaurant, or a WNBA game, will always order chicken tenders with fries, choosing a safe palate bet at the expense of every other higher risk, higher reward option.

Now Oreo O’s is being that friend.

No, not because they’re making a chicken nugget-flavored cereal, but because they chose the most milquetoast and (literally) vanilla Oreo flavor to cereal-ify out of a nearly bottomless bestiary of zany sandwich cookie flavors.

We could’ve had Mississippi Mud Pie Oreo O’s! The first cereal unspellable without a 3rd-grade geography education!

But I suppose this doesn’t mean Golden Oreo O’s will be bad—as an Oreo O’s diehard since childhood, I’m still excited my fav has been revived and now revitalized within a year. I may just have to sub in some real Oreo O’s if the taste has me saying “Uh Oh!”

Anyway, let’s untwist and lick this bag full of evolved wistfulness.

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Posted by dan g.. Categories: Uncategorized. 3 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Nilla Wafer Banana Pudding Cereal

The last scoop of banana split.

The last slice of banana bread.

The last little bit of banana that gets caught in the peel’s dry and strand-filled corner. You know, the kinda gross bit you only eat out of pity.

Yes this last scoop of banana pudding will end the Great Banana Cereal Bonanza of Summer 2018—unless Curious George rises up Planet of the Apes-style to storm the breakfast aisle. And while Kellogg’s Raisin Bran with Bananas is the still the reigning chimp-snack champ, Post’s Banana Pudding Nilla Wafer cereal is by far the one I remain most optimistic about.

See, I relate a lot to the humble Nilla Wafer’s “underrated weirdo” approach to the cookie aisle, as it stoically endures what must be countless jeers, wedgies, and “your mom” jokes from the looming shadows of bigger cookies like Oreo or Chips Ahoy.

Heck, I think even Fig Newton once stole a Nilla Wafer’s lunch money.

So because I’ve had a strange flavor obsession with Nabisco’s divinely golden-buttery discs, I’ve long wished for a Nilla Wafer. And now it’s come true—I can only assume that Post added the nostalgic dessert flavor of banana pudding after smartly observed that Nilla flavor alone couldn’t sell a cereal outside of a niche audience of dudes wiling to pour their hearts out online for a half dollar-sized vanilla biscuit.

So like Dave Coulier into a box of long-lost Vanilla Weasels (hey, that’s two Full House references this week: no mercy to be had!), let’s dive in, with emphasis! Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 9 rating, marshmallows, post, vanilla. 7 Comments

Jun. ’18

Review: Banana Split Dippin’ Dots Cereal

What will the cereal of the future look like?

Long dubbed the ice cream of the future, Dippin’ Dots’ (I’m gonna need to order another box of apostrophes) famous evolution was both the atomization and flesh-ripping frostification of the classically amorphous dairy treat using dry ice.

Since there’s already been cereal with freeze dried ice cream bits, any truly revolutionary cereal will have to up the ante from there.

Micro-chipped cereal for GPS-powered “Breakfast Go” mobile games? Zero calorie Diet Cereal (or at least translucent Crystal Cereal?)?

Ooh, or maybe a 100% All Beef Hot Dog Cereal…you know…to compete with Dippin’ Dots’ at the ball game?

Regardless, General Mills’ new Dippin’ Dots Cereal is here, to the delight of many and the frustration of one, and I’m going to see if it’s as innovative as its namesake by first trying the flavor that fits with this week’s theme of banana madness: Banana Split!

(If I die of a potassium overdose, blame whichever Banana in Pyjamas has a higher net worth.)

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: 6 rating, banana, chocolate, general mills, ice cream, strawberry. 4 Comments