Thought #1: There have been three Kung Fu Panda movies now?
Thought #2: Wait, this is just bootleg Cocoa Puffs with marshmallows? Don’t we owe an ass-kicking panda more than that for saving our asses from all manner of cartoon animal villainy?
Thought #3: For that matter, what do marshmallows that look like Shine Sprites have to do with Kung Fu Panda (the other marshmallows are panda heads and what appear to be yin yang symbols)?
Thought #4: What do normal people do on New Year’s Eve instead of standing in Walmart and making Nintendo references?
Thought #5, ten minutes later during the car ride home: Wait. Why didn’t they just call them Po-coa Puffs?
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Can you hear it? No, it’s not the sound of tomorrow New Year’s Eve fireworks and party poppers. And no, it’s not your grumpy midwestern cousin who insists that it isn’t called “soda.”
It’s the sound of Kellogg’s wild and wonderful Pop-Tart-O-Matic, which has been eagerly popping out new flavors directly into our hungry mouths faster than we can say, “Wait, a serving size is one pastry?” Yesterday we covered the new-but-actually-secretly-from-the-late-’90s Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts, and today it’s time for a more straightforward flavor: Frosted Chocolatey Caramel.
Don’t worry, there won’t be any cross-contamination between the two: I made sure my toaster brushed his teeth first.
Christmas is less than a week behind us. Even though snow is still falling, tacky wreaths are still hanging, and leftover stuffing is still being refrigerated, Kellogg’s just released what might be their summeriest Pop-Tart yet (wait, “summeriest” is really a word? Saying it out loud makes me feel like a kindergartener who got vocabulary lessons from a slurring, drunken pirate).
They’re Frosted Watermelon Pop-Tarts, and even though this flavor existed way back in the ancient 1990s (doesn’t that picture look like something out of a bootleg Zoombinis game?), the nearly two decades between its appearances has nevertheless made this flavor pop up in the headlines of clickbait articles everywhere: “4 INSANE New Pop-Tart Flavors You’d be CLINICALLY INSANE to Try!”
But is it true? Will this flavor have me starring in One Chewed Over the Cuckoo’s Nest? Or will it be no zanier than Wild Grape Pop-Tarts? It’s time to stuff my toaster, stuff my face, and tell you all about this stuff. Continue reading →
Let me tell you a story, dear readers. The story of PB&J cereal.
Introduced by Quaker in the late ’80s, PB&J featured light brown peanut butter puff pieces accompanied by light magenta jelly puffs. Rumor has it that it only reached isolated test markets, and other conspiracy theorists doubt whether it existed at all.
Either way, what we do know is that PB the explorer and his canine pal J, the mascots of PB&J cereal, are now mysterious relics of cereal lore, and they have long left fans of the famous grade school lunch sandwich wishing for a cereal with the same flavor.
But now, Kellogg’s is hoping to satisfy the cravings of PB&J nuts with this brand new cereal. It’s Jif PB&J, and it combines Jif peanut butter pieces with strawberry jelly puffs. So allow me to pretend I’m in 4th grade again, as I open my crinkling bag to review this hopefully nostalgic treat.
(Man, Kellogg’s really missed an opportunity by not packaging it in brown paper lunch bags.) Continue reading →
(UPDATE: I reviewed Chocolate Oat Clusters here and Baked Oat Bites here! I reviewed Honey Oat Clusters here!)
First of all, shoutout to the random, misplaced holiday cupcakes for photobombing this edition of Spooned & Spotted.
While on the prowl like a legendary Pokémon hunter for all the mythical new cereals that have been spotted at Walmart (my success was mixed; my prehistoric, local Walmart isn’t exactly hip with the times), I surprisingly stumbled upon three new (or so says Google) cereals from Nature Valley.
And when I say “surprisingly,” I mean it: picture a lanky man, arms full of cereal boxes, exaggeratedly gasping at a cardboard display like some bumbling cartoon character whilst everyone around him considers snapping a photo and submitting it to “People of Walmart.”
When it comes to oat products, Nature Valley is the GOAT, so it’s no surprise that each cereal here works in those little earthy nuggets somehow. Each will get its respective review in due time, but for now, let’s unfairly judge these boxes by their covers.
We have Honey Oat Clusters, which appears to just be another ho-hum cousin in the
“Honey Bunches of Oats impersonators” family of cereals. However, I’m going to predict that this cereal will be significantly more crumbly, like those crumb-exploding treats that Nature Valley calls “granola bars,”
Next we have Chocolate Oat Clusters. I’m praying to every great cereal deity there is that this cereal tastes like the amazing Chocolate Honey Bunches of Oats that have been long discontinued and not like the comparatively choco-lame Honey Bunches of Oats Morning Energy: Chocolatey Almond Crunch.
Finally, there’s Baked Oat Bites. This looks just like Cracklin’ Oat Bran but with an added, sexy drizzle. Oh, man, did I really just write “sexy?” Forgive me, but Cracklin’ Oat Bran is a spiritual experience, so the thought of adding more to that has me approaching nirvana at 88mph.
The Buddhist kind, not the “A mulatto, an albino, a mosquito, my libido” kind.
If you’d like to see your picture or thoughts featured on a “Spooned & Spotted” post, click yourself right on over to our submissions page, or just email us at cerealously.net@gmail.com.
Oh boy, my hands are covered in so much sticky coconut oil after assembling that photo, but it was worth it. For all of you!
And while I’m sure most of you are rightfully too deep into your personal oceans of eggnog, presents, and merriment to bother reading a silly blog about cereal, if you happen to be reading this, please allow me to extend my warmest wishes to you and your families this holiday season.
With this comes a very sincere “thank you,” too. I started this blog earlier this year, and as 2015 comes to a close, I’m eternally grateful for the growth this site has experienced and all the people who have (somehow!) enjoyed my pointless rantings, ravings, awful puns, and obscure references.
It’s all of you readers that make doing this worthwhile, and it’s because of you and your sharing of this site that Cerealously will keep crunching and munching happily through the end of 2015, into 2016, and beyond!
So with that, I’ll leave you to your cookies, turkey, and fruit cake that won’t be touched until mid-February when it somehow starts acquiring sentience.
If you feel like having a lazy afternoon/evening/night/entirety of 2016 and want something to read, here are some links to all the holiday or winter cereals we reviewed this year. And if you want to discuss the holidays, your favorite cereal, what you got for Christmas, or even just what your favorite discontinued ’80s snack food is, the comment section is always open. Enjoy!
It’s Christmas Eve Eve, or, as some call it: Christmas Adam.
The icing smiles on my gingerbread men are drying, unaware of the gruesome fates that will soon befall them. My cat is snuggled under my tree, equally unaware that presents will soon be infringing on her pine-scented territory. And, of course, there’s me, doing my best Dune voice in front of my refrigerator and whispering, “The nog must flow”to a room populated only by myself, a cat, and an army of doughy gentlemen.
Oh! And there’s this box of Rice Krispies with Holiday Colors! Continue reading →
I bet you expected me to start this review off with a snarky Christmas pun, right? Well to completely subvert your expectations, allow me to pose you a question:
Do you remember that episode of Yu-Gi-Oh where the villainous Maximillion Pegasus traps Yugi’s grandpa in soulless, unmoving card?
Though I’m sure the majority response to my question will be “Of course not: I have better uses for my brain’s real estate than oddly specific memories of early 2000s children’s cartoons,” this reference is appropriate for reviewing 2015’s rendition of Cap’n Crunch’s annual Christmas Crunch offering.
Why?
Because the gosh darn box refuses to change or have any soul!Continue reading →
