Review: Pop-Tarts Giant Party Pastry!

This is big.

Very, literally, and very literally big.

But it’s also one of a precious small number.

Yes, this rectangular beast is one of only 45 Pop-Tarts “Party Pastries” ever made, and I never expected to actually get one. Like with most hyper-limited-edition breakfast grails, I expected bots and scalpers to scoop up all 45 of ‘em before we everypeople could even type in our zip codes. Not to mention, Kellogg’s said they would only deliver these hulking Party Pastries to addresses in New York City, Los Angeles, and Chicago—three cities I definitely don’t live in.

But yet, just like how love and life always find a way, so too did fate’s strawberry-red thread weave together serendipitous circumstances that allowed my mouth to meet this meaty toaster pastry (as if there’s a toaster in the world—or even an MRI machine—that could fit it). $60 later, and with the help of multiple beloved friends both Chicagoan and generously-willing-to-drive-6-hours-round-trip-while-I-was-in-Alaska, my (our) 3’x2’ munch-strosity landed safely.

And life was never the same.

…Well, it’s actually pretty much the same. Just a bit more bloated.
Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: kellogg's, pop-tarts. 3 Comments

Aug. ’24

Review: Salted Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats

I’ve got a fresh theory for you. Pull up a chair, imagine me seated backwards in one, and tell me what you think of this:

See, I’ve been thinking. With 9(!) years of cereal journalism quite literally under my belt, what am I even looking for from the cereal industry any more? While I still love cereal, it’s hard to deny that I’ve lost a lot of hope that Big Cereal will ever do the right thing and release thoughtful, heartily formulated new products that will put a smile on my face and intestines alike—y’know, like they used to, back in the day.

Lately it seems like General Mills, Kellogg’s, and their ilk (though Post is the closest to upholding quality standards [hint hint about this review’s conclusion]) have been in a race to the bottom, rehashing existing cereals or covertly cheapening their recipes to save a little money at the expense of edibility and consequent enjoyability.

So, naturally, I should be praying for bombastic breakfast innovation, right? That’s what I thought for a while. Why, then, has every recent attempt at taking cereal to brave new frontiers kind of, well, flopped like a fish in a tank of New Coke?

It’s pretty simple: from cereals that do in-mouth climate control to flavors that could generously be described as “unique,” these innovations aren’t anything anyone is actually asking for! (Now that’s what I call dissonance amongst assonance.)

What do I want, then? Well if bland reskins and vulgar palate fumigants are on opposite ends of the objectionable cereal continuum, perhaps the apex of golden, agreeable achievement lies somewhere in the middle—and there is perhaps no better cereal to support that hypothesis than new Salted Caramel Honey Bunches of Oats.

(Well, maybe there’s one better cereal. But we’ll get to that!)

Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: caramel, honey bunches of oats, post. 3 Comments

Jun. ’24

Review: Fruity Pebbles Waffles! Cereal

“This feels like stolen valor.”

That was my first thought upon trying Post’s new Fruity Pebbles Waffles! (a cereal that must be spoken about with eternal enthusiasm, because the exclamation point is very much a part of its name).

See, Fruity Pebbles Waffles! (:D) has the exact same existential issue that CinnaGraham Toast Crunch does. They’re both fantastic cereals, but they’re fronted by the wrong brand. Just as CinnaGraham Toast Crunch was defined by, well, its graham, and should thusly/justly have been branded as “Cinnamon Golden Grahams,” Fruity Pebbles Waffles! (yippee!) should really be called Fruity Waffle Crisp! (it can keep the exclamation point), because this stuff is carried by sweet, sweet maple syrup.

Yeah, yeah, I get it: Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruity Pebbles are way more recognizable IPs and will sell way better this way, but c’mon, can’t we hand the underdogs a win once in a while? Golden Grahams never gets spinoffs, and Waffle Crisp hasn’t had one since 2000’s arcane Halloween Brew Waffle Crisp—a cereal that came with a pouch of “Spooky Sprinkles” and whose existence was a miracle in its own right.

All I’m saying is they should’ve at least had Fred and Barney high-fiving Waffle Boy on the box. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: pebbles, post, waffle crisp. 10 Comments

Apr. ’24

Review: Ghost Protein Cereals

Even more than the literal likes of “Waffle Crisp,” “Raisin Bran,” and “Honey Bunches of Oats,” Ghost Cereal may be the most aptly named cereal of all time.

Why? Because it tastes like the ephemeral phantom of an actual cereal.

Okay, I realize that sounds harsh, but you have to (and probably already do) understand something: I’m a cereal reviewer. I like sugary, sweet, grainy things. So when General Mills sent me a two-pack of Ghost Protein Cereal to try, they had to know that I wasn’t exactly the target audience…right?

Sure, I go to the gym, and sure, I like eating protein—but I typically do the latter in the form of mercury-poisoningly high doses of canned tuna, not cereals alchemically crafted from solidified milk protein. Which is all to say that my opinions on Ghost Protein Cereal probably won’t matter to fans of “normal” cereal (who weren’t gonna by this stuff anyway), nor will they be at all helpful to bodybuilders (who are seeking the perspective of someone who’s building a body not powered by cinnamon, toast, and crunch).

Which is all all to say that you should probably just stop reading here, for what’s to come will be mere semantic noise. Feel free to just turn on a dusty old box fan to get the same effect. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. 4 Comments

Jan. ’24

Review: General Mills Loaded Cereals (Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Trix, Cocoa Puffs)

Oh, filled cereals—is there any cereal subgenre with a legacy as troubled as yours?

Perhaps it all started with 1993’s Hidden Treasures, a high-concept cereal that paired hollow cereal pieces with a trio of fruit-filled ones for breakfasters to serendipitously spoon. Heck, there was even a codex for determining which pieces held which fruit: “Pieces with a seam very close to the edge had a grape filling, off-center seams had orange, and directly center seams had cherry.”

And while Hidden Treasures is remembered incredibly fondly by today’s nostalgic noshers, it only lasted on shelves for two years, either due to poor sales or the high cost of producing a breakfast cereal elaborate enough to require a field guide.

Thus began the curse of the filled cereal: if you’re a crisped biscuit with a lil somethin’ in the center, you were destined for either discontinuation (like Pop-Tarts Cereal) or divisiveness (like Krave, which, despite being a cereal aisle mainstay and one of my personal favorites, seems to be deeply hated by about 50% of those who try it).

That leads us to today: these three Loaded Cereals are, in fact, General Mills’ third attempt at a post-Hidden Treasures filled cereal revival. First we had the ill-fated Fillows, whose dense, dessert-like decadence didn’t land with those seeking morning meals that wouldn’t leave them anchored, bloated and drooling, to their breakfast tables. Then there were General Mills Filled Bites, which were basically just Fillows all over again, and, as such, they never made it out of test markets.

Which is a huge bummer, since I, as a shamelessly indulgent density devotee, loved both Fillows and the Filled Bites. But perhaps there’s room in my heart to try again. So give me your best shot, Loaded Cereals…before you end up disappearing and breaking that very same heart again. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: cocoa puffs, filled cereals, general mills, toast crunch, trix. 3 Comments

Nov. ’23

Review: Rhett & Link’s Mythical MishMash Cereals: Sweet Mac N’ Mello & Peanut Butter N’ Honey Sandwich

I know what you’re thinking: two affable online fellas with a whimsical talk show get their own cereal and it’s not me and Justin? Heresy. But hey, as much as I’d love to create an official Empty Bowl Cereal (it would be strawberry-flavored crunchy bowls with yogurt clusters, of course), our niche popularity pales like skim milk compared to the vast cultural capital of Rhett & Link, known for Good Mythical Morning and a whole bunch of other successful enterprises from their long history of entertaining the internet.

After all, it takes a lot of time, money, and resources to make your own cereal from scratch. Or at least, I assume it does…I’ve never really looked into it, because it takes a lot of time, money, and resources. Or at least, I assume it does.

That’s why Rhett & Link partnered with “an inventive and industry-leading production facility that specializes in cereal” to make this happen: MishMash Cereal, in two debut flavors. What’s MishMash all about? Here’s what it says on the side of every box:

“Since when did the cereal aisle get so…serious? Leave the seeds to the birds and the fiber to your broccoli. MishMash founders Rhett & Link grew up in the ’80s when your cereal was repped by a cool cartoon mascot, and the back of the box was kinda sweet, just like the cereal. It’s time to bring back the flavor and fun, so we’re MishMash-ing unique flavors, wacky shapes, and curious concepts into cereals that are meant to be played with. Take a morning trip down memory lane, get your daily dose of shenanigans at snack time, or indulge your midnight munchies with a cereal-y dessert. Whatever the reason, we promise something unexpected and deliciously fun.”

So there you have it: instead of trying to turn cereal healthy, MishMash doubles down on the artisanal nostalgia angle. But at $10 (plus shipping) a box, does banking on wackiness pay off? As your resident goldball with a heart of goof, I’m putting my money where Rhett & Link’s mouthes are to find out.

Err…their money where my mouth is? My monkey…their mouse…I don’t know, let’s just do this. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: honey, peanut butter. 3 Comments

Nov. ’23

Review: Gingerbread Toast Crunch

Just when I think I’m out…they pull me back in…like when a bad vaudeville actor gets pulled off stage with a cane…but in this case it’s like…a candy…cane…

Sorry, since I’ve been on a posting hiatus, I’ve forgotten how to smoothly start these things. Much-needed time off aside, I couldn’t just not break my break in order to review the cereal I’ve begged for the most over the course of this blog’s 8+ year existence. Seriously.

Simply put, I’ve been a gingerbread-loving lad since the day I first bit a man’s arm off (he was trying to steal my gingerbread cookies). That warm, molasses-soaked medley of spices…the fun of decorating and building elaborate edible architecture…the mythos of an uncatchable cookie cryptid…I just love it all to the point where you might as well call me The Gingerbread Dan.

And since I love cereal, too—especially the cookie-adjacent snickerdoodliciousness of the Toast Crunch family—combining gingerbread with Cinnamon Toast Crunch has always seemed like a no brainer. So while I’m surprised it took General Mills this long to pick the low-hanging gumdrop button, I’m just glad a box of Gingerbread Toast Crunch is finally nestled in my loving arms—just in time for Halloween to shamble back into its sarcophagus and the Thanks-mas-Year’s-Eve juggernaut to protect me from old man winter’s seasonally depressive ilk with festive cheer.

You are my talisman of power, Gingerbread Toast Crunch: now let’s find out if your taste is worth the wait. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: general mills, gingerbread, holiday, toast crunch. 3 Comments

Sep. ’23

Review: Malt-O-Meal Summer Cereals (Orange Dreamsicle, Key Lime Pie, & Strawberry Shortcake)

Okay, okay: that article title is a lie. Or at least, like, 60% a lie.

Yes, I’m going to talk about all three of Malt-O-Meal’s fruity summer cereal releases, and yes, I know, I’m really late to the game on talking about them. But that’s because one of these three cereals is so much better than the others that I’ve been deeply, irretrievably absorbed in its ample folds of goodness—to the point of ignoring the other two, this blog, and my ties to this earthly plane, all at the same time.

Which one is it? Ha, wouldn’t you like to know.

…

What’s that? You would like to know? And it’s my job as a reviewer to tell you?

Well geez, I guess that logic checks out. Alright, I’ll tell you…but I’m gonna make you wade through my thoughts on the not-so-good ones, first.

Don’t worry, I’ll make it as ephemeral as these two cereals’ flavor. Continue reading →

Posted by dan g.. Categories: Reviews. Tags: malt-o-meal. 6 Comments