Wait, what the heck are these big flat things?

Steamrolled Pop-Tarts Bites? Stretch Armstrong-ed Pop-Tarts Crisps? The assimilated sentience of several dozen Pop-Tarts Cereal pieces?

Oh, right: I remember those retro rectangles now. Original Pop-Tarts—or OG PTs, as the kids may very well say—were what Kellogg’s used to make way back in 2018, before they seemingly decided to infuse essential Pop-Tart oils into every other snack product imaginable.

But after three spin-offs (that are really re-educated old school products), Pop-Tarts has finally released a new full-sized pastry, too (even if it’s really the latest in a long, long line of its kind). It’s called Crisp Apple, and it foregoes much of the flamboyant detailing of its apple’d ancestors in favor of a simplistic sauce blanche, almost exactly like that seen on Apple Blast Pop-Tarts—a flavor available in the U.K. since 2014.

But will this version be as American as apple handpies, or will its apple fall a few furlongs too far from its frosted family tree? Let me untwist my tongue and put it to work.

From the start, Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts bring something refreshing that we arguably haven’t seen from a new Pop-Tart since 2015’s Chocolatey Caramel: restraint.

Sure, I love a wacky piece of concept Tart as much as anyone, but after a couple flat sodas and crumbly candies, I’ve been itching for a taste of something more reliable for every day consumption than dubiously specific BuzzFodder. Especially since there are a number of “simple” flavors that have yet to get Pop-Tarted (honey and almond come to mind).

So while there’s been no shortage of apple Pop-Tarts, I’m happy to report that these blank slate Crisp Apple pastries bring a similar flavor minimalism that decaramelizes and unbakes the complexities of its predecessors. Picture a Green Apple Jolly Rancher Pop-Tart fitted with a silencer: the familiar, buttery crumble of Pop-Tarts is untainted by creeping flavor, giving the filling a pleasantly golden canvas to brush with apple butter.

Just call it Bobbing Ross.

Because that’s just what the filling tastes like: lightly puckering Granny Smith butter (the only granny butter I’m comfortable discussing on this site) gently spread between two sugared puff pastries. I’ll admit the distinctly Wertherianly colored filling exists somewhere just left of center on the fake–real green apple continuum, but there’s a smart balance between candied twists of Green Apple Skittle and the comfortingly juicy real thing—especially when it interplays with the subdued crust.

If anything, restraint is double-iced sword for Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts, as this pleasant opening bushel of flavor tends to wander off halfway through each bite. Even filling-forward mouthfuls bring a heavily crusted caboose of an aftertaste.

Which is why I heartily recommend toasting Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts. The magmatic magic of the Maillard reaction may give the ivory pastry frosting the singed charmlessness of old wallpaper, but flavor-wise, heat adds authentically cider-like end notes to the filling. This gives each bite a rich narrative from Tart to finish—even if it makes me pathetically long for autumn, as the slush creeps deeper into my sock fibers.

For once, freezing isn’t better than toasting. Sure, a frozen Crisp Apple Pop-Tart becomes especially crisp—not unlike a frozen yogurt-based popsicle—but once my taste buds got acquainted with the tangy and brown hospitality of Cider Town, there was simply no going back to the comparatively desolate crustian wastelands—Arctic or otherwise.

Ultimately, toasting makes the difference between a comfortable apple desert and a stomach-warming cider mill dessert. Thanks to Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts’ refined recipe, I can confidently recommend them to anyone who’s into apple flavor. This is the kind of homey flavor worth taking at face value, so those looking for bigger thrills may be better off hoping for another zany apple Pop-Tart newcomer.

After all, Honey & Almond-dipped Candy Apple Pop-Tarts would check more than a few boxes off my bucket list.

The Bowl: Crisp Apple Pop-Tarts

The Breakdown: A simple Pop-Tart for simple satisfaction, Crisp Apple brings the best parts of real and candied green apple—with a hot cider upgrade so good you could dunk a donut right into the molten filling.

The Bottom Line: 8 happy little pastries out of 10