Have you ever thought, “Gee, I love Count Chocula, but eating a bowl of it with milk in the middle of rush hour traffic sure is a hassle! I wish it were considerably more…rectangular!”

Well then it’s time to trick-or-treat yourself, because Count Chocula Treats have returned to save your morning commute from milk spills caused by unexpected brake-slamming.

Earlier this month, I mistakenly predicted that Count Chocula Treats would be a Canadian exclusive this season. While my neighbors to the north may still be the only ones getting Treats with orange chocolate, the cereal bars have finally made their way to American shelves.

What took you so long, Count? I guess when you’re an ageless, blood-sucking entity, you tend to lose track of time.

The bars have a solid chocolate base that is topped with a mix of Count Chocula cereal pieces, marshmallows, chocolate crisped rice, and chocolate chips that are all held together with some sort of magical choco-goo. It’s all topped off with another chocolate drizzle. Man, if I had a nickel for every time I type the letters “c-h-o-c-o” in this review…I’d make sure they’re chocolate coins so I have an excuse to write it one more time.

Each bar is a bit shorter than a spoon, which makes me wonder what would happen if I tried using my teeth like a sculptor’s chisel to form a Treat into a spoon with which I could eat more Count Chocula.

The chocolate base and drizzle both have a characteristically waxy and soft texture. Their taste is creamy and more buttery and milky than it is chocolatey. Meanwhile, the cereal pieces and rice balance the all out sugar barrage with a more subdued and airy cocoa-corn taste. And the chocolate chips are pretty much just morselized versions of the base, so their taste doesn’t stand out.

Similarly, the sweet saccharine blasts of the rare, chalky marshmallows get completely lost in the sea of chocolate like an unimpressive fun-sized Milky Way in a trick-or-treat pail full of king-sized Snickers.

But none of that really matters, because the majestic head honcho here is the gooey, half-melted chocolate binding agent that lurks in the center of the bar. It’s super rich and has strong notes of fudge that caress and enrich the other surrounding flavors like a molten core of chocolate syrup lava at the center of a choco-planet.

Go ahead and read that last sentence again. I’ve written love poems that are less heartfelt. Might want to delete my Google search history after tasting this stuff:

The experience of eating all the parts at once is symphonic, to say the least. Every kind of sweet chocolate taste imaginable is present at this party. I recommend pairing it with a glass of milk to complete the creamy dream team.

It is intensely sweet, though: maybe too much for some. So if you’re a hoity-toity chocolate hipster, you’re probably better off sticking to your 99.99% raw cacao bar that you bought from Whole Foods or maybe Diagon Alley.

But for anyone who wants the glory of Count Chocula on the go, you’ll love these. And if you hand these out to trick-or-treaters, your house will instantly become the stuff of childhood legends. No disdainful eggs or TP will ever grace your yard!

I actually think I like these more than Count Chocula cereal itself. My only real gripe is that they’re too small. I could easily eat one in a single chomp.

In fact, you better call Guinness, because I think I’ve just broken the record for “Most Cereal Bars Stuffed Into One’s Mouth Simultaneously.”

The “Bowl:” Count Chocula Treats

The Breakdown: From fudginess to creaminess, it’s a blissful chocolate parade all in one rectangular prism. Beats Count Chocula cereal at its own game.

The Bottom Line: 10 ignored fun-sized Milky Ways out of 10