What a year for nautical cereal nonsense! First in April, Lil Yachty collabs with Reeses’s Puffs to drop an RC boat with a built-in “milkcuzzi“—all of which were shamefully snapped up by scalpers, assuming it wasn’t an inside buoy-bob job to begin with. But a dinky toy schooner would never suffice for everyone’s favorite seafaring cereal mascot, so that’s why Cap’n Crunch just announced the nuttiest and downright gnarliest cereal contest I’ve ever heard of:
Sometimes to be the Cap'n, you gotta live like the Cap’n. Learn how to enter for a chance to win a stay aboard my Cap'n's Quarters. https://t.co/ds4Khxe5CH pic.twitter.com/rohgaVQrT8
— Cap'n Crunch (@RealCapnCrunch) July 28, 2021
That’s right: Cap’n Crunch has his own decked-out (literally) houseboat, and one lucky winner will stay two nights on the thing with up to three guests. While the idea of a floating Crunch Berry mecca is insanely cool, I’m getting slight Fyre Fest vibes from this. For one thing, to enter you must be over twenty-five and upload a photo that proves you’re the world’s biggest Cap’n Crunch super fan at capnsquarters.com. Problem is, you’ve only got four days to enter, as the contest closes 8/1. I have a feeling it took the Cap’n’s PR team longer than anticipated to prep the contest, yet they had to push it out so that winners could still stay on the boat while it’s warm out.
Those winners will be able to pick two nights between 8/9 and 8/17 for their stay, and while transportation to the houseboat in Boston isn’t included, winners will receive a $2000 bank card.
Call me crazy, but this sounds like the plot of a cereal themed spinoff called Project X Marks the Spot. A borrowed boat stocked with only sugary cereal, plus $2000 in a state with legal weed? I wouldn’t be surprised if this real-life S.S. Guppy’s maiden voyage ends with Crunch Berry-filled chests dumped into the harbor. To anyone who enters: good luck and godspeed—wait, does Cap’n Crunch believe in God? I always pictured him as more of a Cthulhu man.